MatthewMarquis's profile
AGE:
41
LOC: Asheville, NC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 29
LOC: Asheville, NC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 29
I used to draw very well but then I just sort of stopped doing it one day. I got rave reviews and did nothing with it. I don’t want to make that mistake again. But this time it’s writing! My muse is the plausibly absurd and intentionally weird – like facial tattoos. What compells a person to do such a thing? Are you as concerned as I am about this?
I read bunches and heaps but it’s typically meant tossing the popular stuff aside to get to the good stuff. So, no, I’ve read very little off the NY Times lists. David Sedaris is hilarious, though, so for-a hem I makes the esception.
I double dog dare you to read my stuff!
Enjoy.
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I called but you were not at home. So I called my best friend, Nate. He was not at home either.
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The heart like the raven flies south. Sometimes it will return. Other times it never comes back.
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Version 3
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About the last time I left, I meant to say sorry. Sorry that I hadn’t said anything of what weighed so heavily upon me. About the deceit; about my terror; about the duality of your message - about the miserable spectacle of it all. About the last time I left, I meant to say sorry. Sorry that I hadn’t said what was really on my mind. About my anger; about my hate; about my weak and brittle heart which shattered against your stone cold countenance like bits of glass and shattered bone. About th...
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About the last time I left, I want to say sorry. Sorry that I hadn’t said anything of what pressed so heavily upon me. About your deceit; about my terror; about the duality of your message - about the miserable spectacle of it all. About the last time I left, I want to say sorry. Sorry that I hadn’t said what was really on my mind. About my anger; about my hate; and about my weak and brittle heart which shattered against the rock of your stone cold countenance like bits of glass and shattered...
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Version 1
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So many people. Making the absurd plausible.
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I like where this story is going, but I have a few recommendations. First, simplify the language. You've got a solid vocabulary, but you need to consider this for your readers. Read, if you haven't already, Stephen King's "On Writing." I'm not a fan but he does a great job of telling the writer to write things like having someone "take a shit," and not "using the restroom," if that's what the story calls for. Second, give us a ton more conflict in the beginning...let us know exactly how strai...
Your story feels like an old private detective story - no offense meant. Be direct. Tell us what's going on and try to move away from the, "I could tell you," type of story that you've given us. Bars, particularly like the one you're telling us about can be unbelievablt interesting places. Tell me about what you personally witness(ed) from your barstool. Keep going. Regards, Matthew
Your first sentence runs on a bit and should be broken down into two. Recommend something like this: "...scorn on his face. He wasn't speaking to anyone in particular, but more to anyone who might actually listen." "Richard’s fraternal twin brother and the only children that Diana ever had." This is a fragment and needs help. "...voices were being injected into his head..." This is a very good picture. The large number of characters you refer to is confusing and a bit too much. Pare it down t...
I think you should have ended the story at "you have my box-cutters." That would have been hilarious. The way you've written it seems that it's more poetic than being a short story. I don't think that you need the stanzas. As flash fiction this is very good.
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This was awesome! Probably the best piece of humor I've read here on Urbis. I love the ongoing dialogue between the author and Bill...hilarious. The only thing that I will call attention to is distinguishing the author's voice from the characters' voices. Did you italicize the author's voice in your original? I've found it impossible to get my italics to show up here. There's another site called WritersCafe.org that is similar to this one. I've found that a number of us post, and are engaged,...
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