I would suggest that you pay more attention to your 'tense' arrangement. You begin in the present and switch to past tense - sometimes within the same paragraph. I do understand that it's an intended switch with regard to the introduction of Millie. I also wonder at the mention of the "Mary" in the following sentence - "I’m sure Mary was slapped around occasionally, she reasoned." - Who is Mary and why is she important to the story? On a technical note - she bends over the saw and yet when th...

A truly appropriate ending to a realistic but sad beginning. This is a brave woman who was strong enough to remove her children from a damaging environment. If only ALL the abused women out there were so strong. My only comment is on the narrator who was too young to remember the abuse. Early in the story, he/she tells of the late night lectures as if they were memories - then towards the end, mentions that there was no memory until the family moved to Sand Springs. It's inconsistant and coul...

A cute story and almost believable. The part about Aunt Gracie picking up a turkey after a long flight, is a little forced.I would have liked to see a little more normalcy in each of the characters. As told, they seemed like 'animated caricatures'. I also found it a little confusing at times when you jumped from one room to another or one person to another, without a transitional sentence or two. As an example, You went from Aunt Gracie and her 'save-the-day-turkey', to Uncle George and his w...

This is a FANTASTIC story. It affected me in a major way and I'm writing this review only after taking a couple of hours to 'think about it'. It's powerful, with more depth and meaning than is initially obvious. When I first read it, I was disappointed that the two young women didn't re-unite. But - on second thought, the ending you chose, gave an astounding impact on the meaning of the story. It's well balanced with the right amount of dialog mingled with the first person narration. You did ...

I believe I've read this in an earlier review and this edition is WONDERFUL. Your writing style is so easy to read and is filled with wonderful imagery. The converstation between Mirin and Chloe, before she chose to speak in words, was near genius. To adequately convey a conversation between a speaker and a non-speaker is an awesome task and you did it with complete clarity. I'm very impressed with the talent here. I enjoyed the story very much; even though I'm not a fan of this 'type' of sto...

MY KIND OF STORY! Often when reviewing stories here on Urbis, I'll find a style that I like, with a subject matter that doesn't appeal. OR.. an appealing subject matter that's not written in an easy style. You give BOTH here. I found it to be beyond interesting, well written and with a rich ending. It's obvious that you as the writer, are completely in command. This story is like one of those songs that for some reason, keeps playing itself over and over in your mind. You've done a fantactic ...

Nice job. The message is clear without spelling it out. I liked the last sentence. It has an element of the unexpected. The only comment I would make would be to change the following sentence - "But being a pacifist like myself" to something less ambiguous. Perhaps something like "But being the pacifist that I am".............. would clear up the 'first impression' that you are referring to the object of your un-affection. Nice poem though.

I wish you had taken the time to correct your spelling and take care of the typos. They were somewhat distracting. I liked the 'tongue-in-cheek' approach and the flippant way you re-wrote the Cinderella theme. A cute story and fun to read. Yes - I did read it a couple of times because I couldnt make sense of it on the first reading. I just went back and skimmed over the typos. Fix the spelling and typos and I'll bet you'll get some good reviews.

I can't believe I waded through all that blasphemous vulgarity just to learn that you made your girlfriend fart. This was nothing more than rambling nonsense. I'm not saying that you don't have talent, perhaps you do; but it was lost to me. I could find nothing redeeming in this lenghty narrative. Sorry.

Very nice concept and excellent ending. My suggestion to improve this writing, would be to cut back on the words. In many instances, it would be possible to make two, nice flowing sentences out of one. Lots of commas and punctuation causes the reader to stray from the the action in the story. I had to read it a couple of times to get the gist. I'm glad I did though. It has a nice message.