Sounds like a blog to me. Give us more on the narrator, some back story, a little history, keep going on the "Marjorie" idea. Could be exceptional novel.

You made me hate the narrator here. First for his thoughts then for his stupidity. It is good. You are able to pull the reader into the story whole heartedly. You are a ble to bring the reader to the streets of China.

I know my son would love to read this. Fantasy worlds are really big now for teens, not to mention video game creators. I believe you have done really well with this and should continue.

I'm liking this and wishing I'd read the first two parts, and would like the rest. I wawnt to know more about these characters adn their relationships. I'd also like to know the timeline you are working.

You have a good start, however editing is needed. Take a look into your usage of the word 'than,' when perhaps the word you really need is 'then.' Another error is this: young bibliographer (One trained in the description and cataloging of printed matter. One who compiles a bibliography.) Just a little something to look into, that's all. I really do like where you are going with the plot and look forward to more.

Maybe I shouldn't try to review lyrics. I'm lost in this one, it is quite difficult to critique lyrics sans music. Very hard to get the flow. Realizing this may not have helped you...apologizing.

Lard, mayonaise, pudding, I like this. The irony of self-control being the mantra and then failure. Humorous! More please.

Oh yeah I'd leave it right there. I really like this a lot. I only saw one spot that might need work and it was only a little tiny deletion. "She showed me pictures of her that were on featured on a soft porn website called Suicide Girls." I'm sure you just overlooked that first "on." This is really brilliant.