Try "missionaries, it had been so she could bring back ... outsiders, but Anazi had been gone ten years now." Just for flow and tense issues. "mainland; she had" --> "mainland, she had" Yeah, watch your comma and semicolon placement. You muddle them. A comma is used in a place where you would naturally pause in a sentance, but it belongs in a place where there is only one subject and one verb. If you have more than one in a sentance, then you can either put a period and start a new sentanc...

I really enjoyed the clean style of this piece. Some might have found it choppy, but I thought that added a unique voice to the piece and added to the scene. My only issue is the ending. This seemed as though it was supposed to surprise the reader, but it instead fell a little flat. The whole story was building up to something magical and a little whimsical, and the ending was just a bit confusing and sort of a let down. Was he going back to... school? Work? After his father's funeral? Retire...

It IS funny to get older in the music scene. I guess I still fit into the college kid crowd, but it seems to be shifting to the under 21s pretty quickly, and even I'm starting to feel like a senior citizen. Snappy dialogue! Realistic characters, perfect balance of wit and realism. This type of story really isn't my style, but it was absorbing and well-written. I can't wait to read more!

Your first few paragraphs are a little disjointed, confusing. I understand that they are the thoughts of the Hillbrook students when your main character comes to thier school? They need to be set apart more from the general dialogue. I like the plot (obviously) and your explanation for Iago/Paul's sociopathic hatred. Overall, this just feels rushed - expand more upon your characters, give the reader more time to get into it and really feel what's happening. (Oh, I see now about the word limit...

Wow. This is HOT. Excellent imagery, and I love the end. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing!

Captivating story, you really write flawless dialogue. I felt torn sympathy for the main character - I wanted him to be telling the truth. My only complaint is the form of the story. The double speech is a little trite, not worthy of you. If you put this into story context, we'll get a much better feeling of the character. As it is, this runs like a very interesting script (which also wouldn't be bad.) Either way, the blending of drama and literature is interesting, but overall just seems laz...

to fast --> too fast Hmm... you're probably aware that this isn't a story, it's just a paragraph. Expand, expand, expand! Who are you? Where are you going? What happens next? The writing's not bad, but we need more to go on.

Lovely! Excellent descriptions that are visual, but also mental, and manage to tell a story in so few words. Thanks!

"Coroner" - no caps Remove "According to a neighbor," redundant. "reared back..." - Feels like there could be a better synonym for this... perhaps "Stretched out" or "Reclined in?" "He was, no more" - no comma "Never again COULD" instead of WOULD... someone might expect him to answer, but he's not going to :) "Tenuous" - do you mean Tedious? "A man COULD go" - tense agreement "His home was" - keeps the feel of the story in the past, not as if there's a tour going on. This sentance might also ...

"bounded" is awkward - perhaps "bordered", or "banded?" "Overlooks" --> Overlooked, "Jake has" --> Jake had; Watch tense through the whole piece, be sure it stays in the past. "We'd" also a bit awkward --> We would, we could "Embarassed" --> Embarassing Description of Jake's sister seems irrelevant placed here - place elsewhere? Also, "pout" does not refer to hue, but rather a placement of the lips. "Operation Panhandle Freedom" --> What does this mean? Is the main character th...