Monifa's profile
AGE:
26
LOC: Oakland, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: December 16
LOC: Oakland, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: December 16
my name is monifa (pronounced mo-ne-fah for those of you who may wonder). the ‘i’ key on my laptop is broken, so bare with me. i’m Ctrl-v-ing this as i go.--- i write mostly poetry, but i also have a small list of unfinished short stories. unfinished because there were too many come running out at once. i have yet to decide which to break at the knees and which to let finish the race. in general, i enjoy telling stories that are fantastical and ridiculous, folkloric and tall, or simply based on a few memories here and there. i’d like to use my experiences here to develop my writing, especially finding new topics (i’m love-and-loss exhausted) and useful feedback. thank you. :)
Reviews
this is interesting. unlike reading some sugar, like 'roses are red'... try playing with the structure a bit, such as putting in 'spaces.' for example, you have 35 lines. try adding a space between every 2nd and 3rd line: 'I saw a rose with no thorns It grew from dirty ground Red as cherry Wet with dew Ruddy, juicy, fresh' and continue on with the 2/3 pattern until you get to the end (which should be a three-line stanza). or use a line pattern that makes sense for your piece. overall, the wri...
grammar aside, i think your poem has some great potential. especially for submission/publication. i suggest that you expand upon what you have thus far, e.g. talk about your family more, what it was like growing up in California (compared to living in Georgia). be specific about what you remember, the dilapidated bridge is great. remain concise and straight-forward, these are aspects of your poem that are enjoyable. i would really like to see the finished work.-- thank you.
I still don't know what the hell you need Urbis reviews on this poem for. I'm really sorry I wasn't able to read this all the way. Can't do 'Next Page' on this thing. Each stanza I could read, however, was well executed. I don't think you need 'saying' in the second line, seventh stanza. But that's it. Go get this published.
Wait, what's wrong with this one? - 'General impressions' for what?! - But, you know, I do love my line breaks. Three is probably best, looking at it. I'm also not sure if the comma in 'and, sans crescendo' provides enough of a pause to be effective. A dash may be better, e.g. 'and, sans crescendo--' or 'and--sans crescendo.' But this is just good overall. Thank you.
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