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Moshi's profile
AGE:
18
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 25
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 25
Well uh, call miself Moshi. I try to write creatively from time to time. Would be nice to one day finish something but I’ve never even got close. Big fan of fantasy fiction generally, especially Tolkien who first spurred me to try my hand at writing. Hope my stuff is good!
Items
Version 1
9 Reviews
11 Comments
In the back room of a seedy tavern in Veelridka’s capital Karnintia, lit by a single tallow candle hanging from the ceiling, a young man sitting at a lone table slammed shut his book and glared at the man standing in the corner. His brown curls fell in tangles around his head and his dark green eyes burned with disgust. Daeros ai’Lughar moistened his lips and continued glaring. “This is ridiculous,” he hissed. “I cannot believe I am doing this,” The man had been leading against the none-too c...
Version 1
9 Reviews
5 Comments
It begins. At the centre of a bleak landscape of rocks and wizened trees stood an ancient artefact from before the forming of the nations. A full fifty feet high, it was a truly foreboding sight. It was a triangular portal that led only to its other side. Forged of what seemed to be a single piece of stone and covered in runes and sigils that no mortal of the world could even read. To look upon this construct was to go mad, the signs it bore were so utterly complex and stretched from one to t...
Version 1
10 Reviews
1 Comment
The mighty beast sat, statue like upon the spire of the mountain, swishing its tail backwards and forwards occasionally. The great golden dragon Karamallara stared ahead, waiting for something beyond the horizon. She slowly folded her colossal wings. They formed a wingspan the stretched fully double the length of her body which was some two hundred metres, her tail the same length again, and they were a pale golden brown. Her metallic scales glistened despite being completely dry, her immense...
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Reviews
This story looks clear and well thought out. Not the most original but with some clever writing that certainly won't be a problem. The description was good and clear, just a couple of issues. You refer to Alixander as "Alixander Fey" at several points, I personally found this upset the flow a little bit, we know his surname, perhaps it would be better to stick with just Alix or ALixander once we've been introduced to him? Alix didn't seem hugely concerned about the raiders when he first found...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
So far not much in terms of fantasy but that's understandable from your explanation. I thought that this set the scene well and was clear for most of it. There were gaps and the like which you also mention and these provide good openings to draw a reader further to try and fill them in. I like the descriptive language that you use as well. In all an enjoyable piece, even if it isn't something I'd usually read myself. Keep it up
I'm not very good with rtings I'm afraid but there's a couple of things about this. Sounds like you've thought through your world a lot here, which is good, but you kind of pile the information onto us in a short period of time. Lay off a little and introduce this stuff gradually. It wasn't very clear what was going on when you flashed back to the situation in the APC, took me a while to catch up. Try to clear this up. Good for a first draft, but yeah, needs redrafting a bit. Good luck with it
This is a good idea but I think you need to work on your writing style. One point is when you switch between past and present tense. This is not helpful in following the story. One thing I was once told to never do was to refer to the reader "leaves one in the knowledge you will seek to find such a glorious...". You don't develop Grayhawk very much as a character, all we really know about him is what you have narrated. Perhaps some time before this happens where he has to interact with people...
I'm afraid I'm not usually an authority on poetry but I did like this. "There’s something that’s missing" I'm not sure but would this sound better "that is"? Also there's an error later on "I can hear you’re crackling" should be "your crackling". Overall a good piece of poetry that is very relevant to its subject.
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