My_Life_is_two_syllables's profile
AGE:
38
LAST LOGIN: January 11
LAST LOGIN: January 11
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Items
Version 1
18 Reviews
14 Comments
4 out of 5 men make up statistics... Ah, time, my greatest enemy. Cool, calm killer of people and planets. Inexorable, relentlessly moving forward, moved only by gravity. Immune to emotion or remorse over the destruction that lies in your wake, never looking back except through the echoes of the memories that you slowly wipe away as well. And yet, you bring as gifts, to those with patience, wisdom and peace... does time heal all wounds? Age is a terrible price to pay for wisdom. I’m so out of...
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Version 1
3 Reviews
3 Comments
Synapses popping Slow creep of epiphany Blooming consciousness
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Version 1
6 Reviews
5 Comments
Talk is cheap, it takes money to buy whiskey.
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Version 1
7 Reviews
7 Comments
Age is a terrible price to pay for wisdom.
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Version 1
7 Reviews
4 Comments
It's bad luck to be superstitious...
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Reviews
The journey as a metaphor is a good one but I'd recommend that you use the word "bus" one or two fewer times. Having it repeat at the end of the first section and then again as the last word seems a bit heavy handed. The echo of the word "all" feels awkward but it looks like you want it there to tie the beady bulbs back to what is providing the "help." I'm just wondering if you can pull those two ideas together with a different word. I wouldn't feel obliged to capitalize the first word of eac...
Don't take the bait!!! This has a lot of really strong imagery and a good rhythm. Lots of possible interpretations, I like the idea of the narrator being the offering but then that makes me hope it's not autobiographical... ;) It makes for an interesting juxtaposition between childlike innocence and being offered to the gods in Hell. Some may complain it's too short but it says what it needs to without wasting time or words.
This has powerful and moving subject and imagery. The missing verbs and grammar and spelling is a bit confusing. It seems in some places like you may be doing it as a dramatic effect but in other places it seems like you may just need some editing and proof reading. A nice beginning.
That's very sweet. I would say that this has more of a feel of lyrics than poetry. It is a little bit too direct for published poetry. The images are very nice and the sentiment is clearly communicated but it lacks the subtlety and nuance that grabs a reader and pulls them into the scene and makes them part of it. Not sure if you intended it but switching from the past to present tense between each section is a bit disorienting. I like the upbeat and happy tone and it was fun to read.
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