NeonAngel's profile

(Right at the beginning) “No,” (I believe should be "No!" xD....) intoxicated with slo juice (Was it really slo? Or did you mean slow?) He delivered a sharp blow to her gut sending her backwards (I think a comma should be after 'gut'.) The beginning was really interesting though, though I appreciate no-cussing, but that is just me. It was a bit confusing, but I liked the way you described things. (But in the beginning, a few things were a bit patchy :P.) Good job ^.^ Things could be cleared u...

......*blinks*. This was.... hard to follow.... It was like being in a room full of chat-talk. Like brb, lol, lmao.... I can't stand things like that, nor did I exactly see the point of this story. I had to force myself to read it... I know this... sounds really mean, and horrible, but it is me being honest. I don't know others opinions, as it is all opinions, as this is JUST mine. For others, this might be easy "2" read xD

"just hearing you laugh now. My heart eased into a calm we were going to happy here as a couple." I think is should be 'eased into a calm state' or something like that. "………or perhaps a cottage for your pleasure on our smooth " There was dialogue before those dots, and so you need to put a space after the dots. Looks better without the space, I know, but grammar-wise, the space should be there before 'or'. "Tim broke out his big smile for him! Lol I thought." Lol.......? Never, never,(Or shou...

The first part is 'hovers' I think 'hovered' would sound a bit better. There is something about the way you describe things that is a bit strange, the words you use are okay, but the way you lay-it-out is weird. It is almost as if it is trying to be first-person while being second-person, when it would sound best as only third-person. "the raging animal, he had been betrayed and left, ass to the wind" xD... 'as' that a mistake :P. There isn't much description either, but anyways, really stran...

She walks toward us. Her light still shines. It is a light of gentle easiness. (That opening was not too good, a bit boring. not even cliche boring, it was just a bit boring :/) Wearing a shoe and a sock while holding her missing ones. (Sounds a bit better) We, me, John, and Dad, (Why the 'we'?) later on, you also mention things that wouldn't be thought of, which is found a lot in first-person stories... but it shouldn't be there, as it is random. like on page three. "We get to hold his soft...