Okay. You have some good ideas here but you also have some issues. The main one of these is thatthe first paragraph is not catchy enough. I read it and I was thinking... so what? You have to catch the readers attention with the first couple of sentences, and though they are good, they are not good enough to interest the reader. It doesn't matter if the rest of the book is good if the reader doesn't stay tuned in to read it. I would say to rewrite the beginning to be more interesting and less ...

There are a lot of good ideas in this story and definetely some talent, but there are also some issues. The first of these is the pace of the high action scenes. Overall, the story has a good pace, but when you get to the action scenes you seem to want to get it out of the way as soon as possible. You put on action next to the next and it just does not flow well with the rest of the book. Too many commas are involved. And example of this is: "Callista wiped away a tear of her own as Trissa fe...

One of the first things I noticed is an overuse of "she". There are many ways to refer to characters without the use of her/she. You have already specified that it was her so you do not need to continue to indicate it because it makes it looks amateur and monotonous, not to mention that it takes away from the originality of the piece. Other than that you have a good use of language and you do not overuse it. Your dialogue has a fluidity to it, though you might want to stay away from the he sa...

"Thus saving the children of Galor from darkness and the cold embrace of those ancient evil gods of the night. Yet on this fateful night a new star had appeared in the sky, but unlike normal it did not join in its brethren in their vigil of the night but grew rapidly, as if selfishly seeking to outshine the other stars and claim the night sky as its sole treasure. Then it seemed to move down towards the surface with ever-increasing speed falling as if its attempts to outshine its brethren had...

You seem to have a good idea of what you want to do with this work and have some good ideas, but there are a couple of issues that you must fix in this piece. The first is that there is an overuse of such words as she/he/his/her and other names. This makes the piece seem unimaginative in its structure, gives it a monotone speaking voice, and makes it seem stereotypical in some ways. Such overuse also makes your story seem amateur. Just by staying away from such words and creating another mann...

Okay, creative story and it is a good try for a girl of your age but there are some things that you must take into account. One of them is that you must describe your characters in a better manner. Saying that the girl was pretty is not enough, you must see this girl in your mind and understand her body and her personality. By seeing her in your mind you will be able to rightly describe her and get a feel of who she is and where she is going. there also is an overuse of such words as girl and...

Okay, I thought there were a lot of things to like about this piece. I haven't really read the other four so excuse me if due to this I do not get the essence of your book. First off I thought that you book organization was good and the beginning was well paced and expressed quite well. Your writing has a good flair that entices the reader and makes him read on. I did think that the entrance of the ogres was a little forced though and that got me a little off. I think your pace was destroyed ...

You seem to have a good control of language and a good control of pace in your story, but there is one major issue that you must address. I will try to say this swiftly so that you do not have to waste too many credits opening this, but basically you seem to have almost no ambiance. There seems to be a nonexisstent setting and you must bring it out to the surface. Do not be afraid to describe the background, the place, and the feel. Also, one thing I would advise you to do, but you do not hav...

It is an interesting use of language. It is a direct statement with a little quirk. I like he fact that you strayed away from the conventionalities of language and chose this manner of expressing a thought, as was using numbers intead of vowels. There are two main things that I get out of this, the genius of the human ability to understand as well as the limitation of language, and secondly the fact that it refers back to the author's parent. As to what that means, I do not want to bore you w...