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Ocean_x's profile
AGE:
21
LOC: Fair Lawn, NJ
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 28
LOC: Fair Lawn, NJ
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 28
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Items
Version 1
3 Reviews
2 Comments
the day I sang to the moon that too familiar opiate tune tonight I'll graciously rest having that weight taken off my chest I'll always remember the scent of the night; the appearance of the moon so pale, so white before each dawn i pray that'll get to live another day for I'm living like a stray always being told to go away in obscurity i walk these isles my envious heart looks at homes crumbling hopes, fading smiles the day I sang to the moon that too familiar opiate tune tonight I'll graci...
Version 1
3 Reviews
0 Comments
heaven, hell and somewhere in between here i am on earth talking to you in the silence of the world we created as our conversation soon turns to a kiss love, hate and somewhere in between lies my confused heart hard to break by men, yet fragile to your touch your wordless actions say it all but i would hate to build excitement based upon an assumption * making a blind decision im giving you my heart taking the chance of it handed back to me like a balloon that overtime lost all its air just l...
Version 3
0 Reviews
0 Comments
flowers of stone a garden of lies a rose stood lone in a scene of demise candles of hope and death-lights that glow an ending by tope shattered wineglass below wine of deceit as bitter as a lie guilt never felt this sweet guilt only it can supply
Version 4
0 Reviews
0 Comments
flowers of stone a garden of lies a rose stood lone in a sene of demise candles of hope death-lights that glow an ending by tope shattered wine glass below wine of betray with a hint of temptation; a twist of dismay caused a transient sensation
Version 2
3 Reviews
3 Comments
flowers of stone a garden of lies a rose stood lone in a scene of demise candles of hope and death-lights that glow an ending by tope shattered wine glass below wine of deceive flavored like a lie he could not believe how his life passed him bye
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Reviews
i really liked the word usage all during the poem. i see that there's an old english influence in it, which i love. what i would suggest though, is a better transition from the first part of the poem to the one that follows. reading it, it could seem like two different poems talking about two different things. read it over a bit, and see what you think would fit to make the transition better thus making this beautiful poem flow.
i really like this poem. there's good imagery in every stanza. "your love soothes my soul like a clear sky; a sky as big and blue as your eyes." for example, give the reader a better picture of the person you are describing. i personally think that making something more specific helps the lyric connect to you rather than having you write really general lyrics where it seems like you can be writing about just anybody. and as to be constructive, i think should use better words to make the lyric...
hahah! i like this quote, its very clever and comical at the same time. it also shows a good point that no one but yourself can or should determine how far you can go in life.
this poem has a lot of potential, but it lacks something. the dashes you put here cause too many pauses, and it prevents the poem from flowing easily as it should. there is also no poetic structure, not that its a bad thing, but it could help a lot with a poem like this. you also had lines that started out beautifully, but then you stopped them. then i saw that the other half of the first line appeared at the beginning of the next. this was the one thing that i think held this poem back. you ...
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