OkieJay's profile

Really good story. Well written, well-paced, with building tension. I would be happier with some more narrative to break up the dialogue. I'd be happier if he didn't repeat the "wee-wee" language of the stranger, but used his own words, like "maybe I am gonna wet my pants." I don't know where the gas can came from, and he needs to pour out the "gas" or the "contents." After rereading it, I also wonder about that white van. With the brother hidden in the back, it suggests that they were prepar...

This has such great potential, you should polish it. While the last three lines are great, the first two don't work. 3:45, died and e.coli do not rhyme. They are what is politely called half-rhymes. Lines like "I ate a hot spinach pie, Then I died with a cough and a sigh," give you three good rhymes - pie, sigh and e.coli. Your reviewer's request, "please review something else that I did..." is impossible. Your submission is listed anonymously, so no one knows who you are or what your other w...

Question marks, commas, periods, and exclamation points go inside the quotation marks. In dialogue, when you change speakers, you start a new paragraph. When you wrote Airport, it was not a specific airport (LaGuardia Airport, for example) so it should not be capitalized. The same is true for policeman. You write some situations that defy belief. Example: Lisa is at the door, the boy turns to say one short sentence to his mother, and when he turns back, Lisa is gone. He runs after her but she...

I assume you are writing a book. People who write books do so, generally, in order to have them published, so I assume you would like this to be a published book. If my assumptions are correct, you have a lot of work to do. Publishers are picky about the rules of good writing. Judging by your age, I suspect that your teachers have complimented you on your imagination and your writing skills, and they would be correct. You have excellent ideas and skills for someone your age. That's no quite a...