Pedroemose's profile
AGE:
25
LOC: Fort Worth, TX
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: June 29
LOC: Fort Worth, TX
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: June 29
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Items
Version 2
7 Reviews
0 Comments
"I'm not going to lie to you Like all of the others do But you work lacks rhyming form. And it's also not too warm." But your words are cold And they freeze my soul And change its hue To forboding blue Forced to rhyme And keep time Unless... I enjoy the cold being numb and frozen to death in survival. I enjoy rending your stage with saltwater tears caught in my hand drowning your skin-deep. I refuse to lie warm while a world is cold. And you smile...I could smile but... listening to B.B. King...
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Version 2
9 Reviews
2 Comments
"Do you believe in God?" she said looking at me in the eyes with her bloodshot soul cracked desert bleeding words "Do you believe in God?" Cigarette ashes of Grandmother's fears Bottle filled with the world's tears Seed grown from the dying alone Swollen desperate disguise Malnutricious lies "Do you believe in God? Do you believe in God? Do you believe in God? Do you believe..." She stares into my soul and then I fall apart Flowers at the grave because You cannot leave your heart. No tears in...
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The problem I have with this poem is that it states that life is a piece of crap. Usually, I enjoy when a person leaves the "why" up to me, but here I found myself wanting more...why is life a piece of empty crap? You don't have to come out and say it, but it seems to me that your statement should go beyond merely stating that life is empty. What makes it empty? Repitition? What would a full life look like, and what would make that life full? Is there such a thing as a fulfilling life? If the...
The poem's opening could have been more poetic -- more profound. It's hard to describe -- maybe a different, more unique word than "slowly" would do it...and then you have "time's" which sounds a little awkward (although I like the way you used rhythm and sound to make "time" stand out in the sentence). Second line--really didn't like the word "prices" to describe the thought, thought you should use something more specific, or more in flow with the piece...hard to describe what I mean. "Price...
Unlike several other poems, this one made me think, especially the last lines about darknesse's tears leaving a stain. The question is how can darkness cry? Isn't darkness absence of light? That's a compliment, by the way, not a criticism. Thanks for asking the question. I'd almost like to ask for more characterization for the darkness...but it might be your point to keep it in the dark for me (no pun intended). Again, great poem -- it made me think.
I like the poem -- about something hidden and underneath the surface. I like the way the story really conforms to real life. My only critique is that maybe, especially in the last line of the first two stanzas, you may be saying a bit too much. I might be an unusual reader, but I found myself wanting to peer through the curtain, without you doing it for me. I wanted to feel like I was missing something. The rain analogy did it for me...but if I felt more like I was "missing something" underne...
What exactly are you seeing in the poem? A little more detail on this would be helpful. Also, you share profound thoughts, but it seems as if you are trying to put them in a rhyme and meter at the same time. The meter isn't entirely consistent, and neither is the rhyme. Not that it has to be...but when you change or interrupt the meter and rhyme, it might sound better if you did so in order to emphasize a word or concept. As it is, I'm not sure why the meter and rhyme isn't consistent. That s...
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