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Perfect_Shadow15's profile
AGE:
16
LOC: Strandburg, SD
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 21
LOC: Strandburg, SD
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 21
I write a lot of poems and songs to express myself. I’m in a School of the Arts and I really enjoy visual art and writting. PLEASE do not comment about how depressing my work is because I wrote a lot of it when I was going through ups and downs. Review my work sometime. Thanks a lot!
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Version 1
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6 words cannot describe my thankfulness
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Version 1
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Words once hurt, now poetry heals
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Version 2
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My summer soldier has frozen to death The ice of winter has crystallized his breath My sunshine patriot has sadly run away The thunder rolls in and rain dampens my day My faith has grown weary of my future to come I’ve lost both my soldiers and now I’m ready to run I’m stuck in this crisis and I’ve no clue what to do I can no longer stand proud to the red white and blue Every day is a struggle to get out of bed In my dreams you’re all to clear in my head In the presence of company I fake a sm...
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Version 1
9 Reviews
13 Comments
My summer soldier has frozen to death The ice of winter has crystallized his breath My sunshine patriot has sadly run away The thunder rolls in and rain dampens my day My faith has grown weary of my future to come I’ve lost both my soldiers and now I’m ready to run I’m stuck in this crisis and I’ve no clue what to do I can no longer stand proud to the red white and blue Every day is a struggle to get out of bed In my dreams you’re all to clear in my head In the presence of company I fake a sm...
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Version 2
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Daddy’s hurting mommy, slamming her into the wall Mommy starts to scream, but no one hears her at all Daddy’s yelling bad words as mommy starts to cry Little did Daddy know, soon mommy was going to die Daddy was never there for us, mommy paid the bills We never questioned mommy when she took her nightly pills She’d lock herself in her room, and hold her pillow tight Weeping to her lonesome self, saying “Everything’s alright” Mommy was a waitress, but people called her a different name She’d j...
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Ok, this isn't bad at all. I just think that there needs to be a hook. When you start off a song, you really shouldn't start it with "As" because even if it's not, it sounds like you're starting in the middle of the story. Rather than "more than I could ever imagine" why not say "more than I imagined" Same with the next line; less is always better just because when it's a song it wont sound as rushed. You can do more with a short line versus a long line. The 4th line in the 2nd stanza sounds ...
I like this. The only thing I dislike is the splitting up of a phrase to force a rhyme. for example the first two lines. Otherwise I like it. It's on a cliche subject but you made it unique. Keep writting.
I definetly agree and I'm glad you put this on here. One thing though, when people write something and I say "oh I wish there was a rhyme scheme" or "I dont think this makes sense" they get very defensive and say "poetry doesn't have to make sense" or "it doesn't have to rhyme." I agree but I think hearing what the reviewer wants is very important because most people want what the general public wants. I never say they have to change it but they get very defensive. I think people need to be m...
This is really descriptive but I really dont understand the title or the (four did I mention all love). I read that and during the whole poem all I kept saying was "what?" Make sure your poem answers who, what, and why.
I like this. I like the whole "yesterday" "today" thing. I only wish it had a little bit of a rhyme because that's what kind of makes a song catchy but if that's not what you want then dont mind me. Keep writting!
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