PoemsforFreedom's profile
AGE:
40
LOC: Lawrence, KS
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 15
LOC: Lawrence, KS
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 15
I was born and raised in Lima, Peru. I started writing poems as a child. My favorite poets are Neruda, Vallejo and Antonio Machado. I am studying French and Italian so I can read that poetry directly without translation. I have tried many art forms from painting to dancing, and after trying them all I still think my favorite form of expression is through words.
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Version 2
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like the blood running through the arteries of golden cities they walked peacefully solemnly praying for freedom like garlands of human pearls the people holding hands held the monks treasured safeguarding them in their passage together they crossed rivers in shared pathway across gilded metropolis and the water ran warm caressing their steadfast march they did not stop for the rain striking their bald shaved heads soaking their scarlet tunics getting their feet wet in the rain in the sun in ...
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Version 1
7 Reviews
0 Comments
like the blood running through the arteries of golden cities they walked peacefully solemnly praying for freedom like garlands of human pearls the people holding hands held the monks treasured safeguarding them in their passage together they crossed rivers in shared pathway across golden metropolis and the water ran warm caressing their steadfast march they did not stop for the rain striking their bald shaved heads soaking their scarlet tunics getting their feet wet in the rain in the sun in...
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Sweet. You have a way with words. It flows well and it has a sense of humor. Very entertaining.
It is my understanding that haikus discourage the use of verbs, especially action verbs. So the second line could be totally changed to a description of the cry. Don't forget an allusion to the season, a must in a haiku. the sky has fallen implies precipitation, rain. Maybe use a noun describing that precipitation. Remember the haiku's economy implies every word is important "all around" is redundant, say something else about the darkness, like... is it ominous? ominous darkness spring precip...
For what I know of haikus they avoid verbs, even less action verbs. You have the nature and the season and the last breath is a powerful moment, but catching is a redundant word. You need some content on that last breath a blanket of snow - could be the first verse, but it is cliche, what else can you say about snow? - a mantle is more original. Now think of a searching coyote and say something of an insight.
This Poem would fall in the category of "Arts poetica", a poem about the act of writing poetry. It is a "meta-poem". I like the reference to Powell. I really like the fourth stanza. As a poet it gives me content. The word "crap" bothers me. How about "trivial"? That also makes a commentary that the rest of your good poetry is not trivial, but deep. The last line in parenthesis kills the nice ending image you have of the aspiring published author.
This is poetic prose, more than poetry-poetry in my opinion. It has very interesting images: like a picture projected in the back of eyelids. It is surrealistic. I identify with the phrase"Admiration often confused with love" I've been there. It is important for a reader to have some element to identify with, this is one of them. I noticed a probably unintentional rhyme, between "day" and "gray". That is distracting, it could be changed to "grayish blue" without changing much of the meaning. ...
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