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AGE: 26
LOC: Angleton, TX
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 01

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Sci Fi & Fantasy / The Coachman- Chapter 2: Awakening
Version 1
2 Reviews   3 Comments
     True Aspiris sat running a grindstone over the edge of her sword, pausing intermittently to feel the edge with her thumb and frowning with each knick or incongruence she felt in the blade. Normally she would be done by now, but…      She looked over her shoulder at the tent behind her. Her Transporter caravan had found the strange young man near the site of some Pharasi ruins two days before. They would have missed the stranger completely, h...
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Novel Treatments / The Coachman: Prologue and Chapter One
Version 2
2 Reviews   4 Comments
Chapter 1 No Peace Lasts Forever A killer's hand trembles, and his fingers loosen around the hilt of his dagger. The blood of a mother and unborn sister runs free over tanned skin and mixes with the dirt and grime of the mother's tunic. The warmth of the blood and air only serves to heighten the sense of cold that settles over her body from the inside out. Her confused eyes shift from the face of the killer, with its twisted scar, to the faces of the two men behind him, men she knows, men sh...
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Novel Treatments / The Coachman: Prologue and Chapter One
Version 1
6 Reviews   9 Comments
Prologue      A killer's hand trembles, and his fingers loosen around the hilt of his dagger. The blood of a mother and unborn sister runs free over sun-browned skin and mixes with the dirt and grime of the mother's tunic. The warmth of the blood and air only serves to heighten the sense of cold that settles over her body from the inside out. Her confused eyes shift from the face of the killer, with its twisted scar, to the faces of the two men behind him, men she knows, m...
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Poetry / Lights Out
Version 1
3 Reviews   5 Comments
Above Glass brings The Subjects face Closer I see my self Beads of sweat Dust streaked skin Connected The Subject looks up I take a steadying breath Flash Lights out
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Sci Fi & Fantasy / Incident at Gerquin
Version 1
9 Reviews   12 Comments
May 17, 2986 F+ Case #:008-83 Subject: Incident at Site ER-06 Interviewer: Please state your name and Rank, good sir. Soldier: [sighs] Major Henry Kimmel, South Nitesan Ground Combat Corps. INT: Thank you. I am sure that you, being a man possessed of great cognitive ability, no doubt, have figured out why you've been asked here today. Kimmel: Are you asking, or just patronizing me? INT: Yes, quite amusing. You do live up to your rep... Kimmel: Enough...yes, I have a good idea of why I'm here....
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Reviews
Short Story / Ed and Eve
by Wormkiller
"Murder scenes always put her in this kind of mood." This is a bit too telling...I'd suggest something more visual, perhaps, "Standing amidst the carnage of a murder scene, Zoey saw a bright-orange ball stuck halfway in a muddy pit instead of some idyllic vision of beauty." "The door popped open...he was flossing his teeth"...nice image. I already can't stand this guy... "Whoever made ...answered?" Period instead of a question mark, as it seems they are stating a fact rather than asking some...
Criticism / The Dream Today
by cake7118
Well said, a few notes, though. "whites are inferior"-I think, given the context, you meant to say "superior"; inferior means less than something else, and that is most definately not the opinion of white supremicists. "most of the times"- I'd consider saying just 'time', it reads better. "only happened what, forty-five years ago."- This seems a bit too conversational for a formal essay. I'd suggest removing the "what". Other than those few things, I think its solid.
Short Story / What Did You Expect
by summerwrites
"puts in back in"-- puts it back in All in all, this is pretty solid; the above is the only typo I found. It really pulled me in, when Daniel started following his wife. I think the introductory part, where Daniel and Jeremy are talking, could possibly be cut. This story is about Daniel and Aimee... Jeremy doesn't really add anything to the story. The interactions of the two main characters seem very natural, though, some of your scene transitions are a bit jarring; for example, when Daniel w...
Novel Treatments / Wrath of Hell, Chapter 1: The Beltane Festival
by DC_Karma
"The planetary alignment points to you." A little confused by this line. I'm guessing it's something Nichole was told in her past. If so, I'd suggest either italicizing it or adding, "...to you, they had told her." "She had to find Asia, surely she was"-I'm not sure a comma should be here. I'd suggest either a period, or maybe an ellipses. I could be wrong, just feels weird. "...Nichole,” She smiled and blushed slightly, “Sorry..."-- I'd replace the commas here with periods, as you are descri...
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Renaissance, i.
by cakeinautumn
"an duchess"- a duchess About the ruffian, and his dialect: You might want to tone it down a notch, for clarity's sake. A little bit is good, for effect and to convey the idea. Otherwise, you'll send the reader to scratching her head, wondering "What?" "she queried"- It is often tempting in the beginning to use speech descriptors other than "said" and "asked". Try to deny this impulse, unless you're trying to convey a special point or meaning. In this case, she's only asking a question: "aske...
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