I'm fairly confident I read another version of this query. I would delete everything in the first paragraph except for the initial sentence. in the Hosttowers of Nimbdell,<- cut. it's not important WHERE the mage is, just her purpose in the story in order to graduate <- cut. doesn't matter why she's on the quest, just that she is. She reveals...arrives too late. <-cut. Not important. Then start the next sentence "Unfortunately.." The artifact has already claimed a leader for the army...

FYI, some agents don't like rhetorical questions at the beginning of queries. That might be why you're receiving some of your rejections. Also, your third sentence repeats the info in your opening rhetorical question, so I'd suggest cutting it. There's a lot of about this query that is unclear. Do each of the sisters live by themselves or do the three sisters live with each other? Is this a YA fantasy? What is the inciting event of the story? Is it the parents' death, or is it the arrival of ...

Cut the italics thing at the very beginning; it's a cheap ploy to grab the reader's attention, and allowing them to discover it for themselves is much more effective. You have verb tense issues in this section. Writing in present tense is unusual, not to mention difficult, and you've illustrated why. For example, you write "Rose searching for a glimmer of hope in Claudia’s hazel cat eyes; yawning Claudia tugs the wash cloth tighter." It should read "Rose SEARCHES for a glimmer..; Claudia YAWN...

It was a dark night. <- I would strongly recommend against this. It's too reminiscent of the famed opening line "it was a dark and stormy night". the man swaggered her into the bedroom. <- ?? swagger = a cocky fashion walking. How can a man 'swagger' a girl?? She giggled as the man swaggered her into the bedroom. <- use of the word "girl" made me think the man was moving Kelia. In fact, he's with her mother, who would be a WOMAN and not a girl. her ears listened <- she listened H...

The voice of the narrator is very clear - good job. I would recommend giving us a little more about the house at the very beginning when you call it 'quaint', since it figures so prominently in the story. You pepper the narration with exclamation points. Publishers don't like them, so I'd recommend deleting them. to become livid! <- really? pissed but not scared? she had whispered <- since this is passive tense, I'm assuming the narrator is telling about this particular anecdote in retr...

as though asking ‘why me,<- cut Retrieving the keys quickly,<- watch your adverbs, they're usually unnecessary. This one is. She knew the unique deep green stunned. <- you mean 'stunning' as an adjective, not 'stunned' as a verb. Otherwise, consider 'mesmerizing' typical public school grounds, <- cut 'typical'. It's unnecessary and misleading wind in her sails floundered.<- I suspect this is just in keeping with your Christopher Columbus motif, but 'wind in her sails' is pretty...

Waking in a bright white padded room <- I think this opening can be stronger. I first mis-read it as 'walking', which is obviously problematic. "Awaking" maybe, or even something more concrete, such as "Finding yourself in a..." The image and idea are great, so punch it up as much as possible. I am not like most people <- cut 'like'. it's sort of a weak word and open to interpretation. Your narrator is "not most people", period. A side effect of a heavy drug addiction that I had been do...

Intriguing beginning; I'm not sure why you only submitted this small section. A few issues to note... getting up to go <- getting up is slang. Consider revising to be more concrete. adjacent from her closet; <- adjacent TO she chirped <- avoid dialog tags. Publishers don't like them. Stick to 'said' whenever possible.

First off, it's a 'novel' and not a story. Secondly, list the title of your manuscript if you have one. This first chapter sounds like it's in the middle of the story, and contains a lot of back story, otherwise known as an 'info dump'. It's best to 'show' the reader the character and her world, not provide context in one big swoop. The main character in my story is <-cut You might want to be more specific about her 'strained' home life. Did her parents divorce? Is she being abused? Also, ...

This opening reads a like you're trying too hard. "creak open" - nice, but "a vision"? Vision isn't singular or plural, not in the context you're using the word. creak open [comma or semi-colon] his vision marred by an indistinguishable blur. Then cut following sentence. smell of ammonia sept..<- sept?? He could feel trouble swirling <- just say 'Trouble swirled...' and more vomit was sure to follow <- cut and such was the reason for his current plight<- cut The many sacrifices......