This is not a bad query. What could help it would be to actually hook the reader from the beginning by stating in the first paragraph what the story is about? What's the threat? What's the danger of the girls having these jewels? When more questions are put out, it creates more interest.

I don't read poetry a lot, but this one caught my attention in the first few lines and I couldn't let go. I cannot remember the last time I gave all 10s. One thing, I'd add a comma after the first IMAGINE. Imagine imagine, what a world this would be.

"There was even more gunfire and shrapnel flew through the room". This sentence needs revising. "Thursday said as she walked towards the kitchen." Earlier you mentioned that there were bullets and shrapnel flying around and Thursday was yelling to Polly to stay down. Why would she be WALKING to the kitchen instead staying put until it was safer to move?

I was confused over the too too strong criteria. My intention was to express that it wasn't. The story sounds interesting, I'm curious to know what happens next. The major weakness was clarity. "In the foyer, I pull from the flask in my black leather jacket and kill her husband, home early from another late “meeting”." This is an example of a sentence that needs to be revised and rewritten. What was it that he pulled from the flask? A gun? If this is an urban expression, then readers from oth...

Wow. I'm hooked to see what happens next. I have a feeling that this will be a good story. Thanks for the read. Now for my suggestions. I noticed that Talia has some voices in her head. I believe the proper way to do this would be to write each thought dialogue in italics the same way that you would if it were speech--with or without quotation marks, according to the Chicago Manual of Style, 15th Edition. I was confused at first, but I understood what you did with the underlining of Talia's t...

What would help you on this is to add some more of the five senses. For example, what did the hallway smell like? Was it dusty, did it smell of mold, or dead corpses. I assumed that she was running, right? Maybe have her sweating and panting, gasping for breath.

One of the more interesting novel treatments I've read. I'm guessing that this story is taken from Sarah's point of view, right? In that case may I suggest you open with Sarah sneaking up on Tiffany Plair as she watches her from behind the tree. Try not to switch POVs so quickly. "Tiffany pondered the idea, then lifted her head and her eyebrows, “Ah! I know…" I would've written: Sarah watched Tiffany raise an eyebrow, as though she pondered the idea. Punctuation "“It’s okay,” Tiffany gave a r...

This is one of the better poems that I've read recently. It was very difficult to find anything wrong with it. Then I reread it and realized that the first sentence is written the wrong way. "Now I know how you must feel." Yet you ask a whole bunch of questions afterwards to the person running on the treadmill. May I suggest you write the first sentence in the form of a question so that it is less contradictory to the rest of the poem which is beautifully written. How do you really feel? Are ...

quite whispers. I think you mean quiet whispers. However, if the person's whispering, mentioning that it's quiet is redundant. action's speak louder than word's. Cut out the apostrophes. This is a cliché sentence. Try something else. Throughout you have apostrophes in the wrong places.