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S_P_K_Newell's profile
AGE:
27
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 13
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 13
I am hoping to become a freelance writer and plan to start a novel shortly. I am studying with the Writers Bureau to help with any grammar or style problems. I am not a published writer, but hope for a publication before the end of the year in People’s Friend.
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Sunrise Angela dabs her eyes but the tears continue. She sits in the toilet cubical staring at the grey wooden cage. Angela’s tissue has split into pieces and she thinks - how can this be happening - my best friend betraying me? How can she like Jacob? The toilet is silent apart from the occasional whimper from Angela. Angela feels gutted and she is holding her midsection, rocking back and forth. The tears continue and they drop onto the turquoise ceramic tiled floor. She continues to dab her...
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Version 1
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Sunrise Angela dabs her eyes but the tears continue. She sits in the toilet cubical staring at the grey wooden cage. Angela’s tissue has split into pieces and she thinks - how can this be happening - my best friend betraying me? How can she like Jacob? The toilet is silent apart from the occasional whimper from Angela. Angela feels gutted and she is holding her midsection, rocking back and forth. The tears continue and they drop onto the turquoise ceramic tiled floor. She continues to dab her...
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Reviews
I liked it. Grammatically it is very strong. I liked the ending but I think the opening paragraph could need more atmosphere to hook the reader.
I liked it and did'nt expect the twist at the end. I thought a well written piece. There is a couple of errors but if you tidy it up you would have a good chance of publication.
I thought it started badly but it got better towards the end. I think you need to develop an opening paragraph, which catches the reader's attention. Overall, I enjoyed it.
For a short story, it had too much detail. I believe that a short story’s pace should be fast and especially, for this type of story. Character and object descriptions should be kept to a minimal. Details should not provided in a list format i.e. Black jeans, sweater and knee length coat wrapped her slight figure in warmth. That information should be portrayed over several sentences, if not paragraphs. A certain amount of description has to be left to the reader’s imagination. A story off too...
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