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Sacker's profile
AGE:
46
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 31
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 31
I fancy myself as someone who likes to write. I don’t know, yet, that I am necessarily a writer, though. I have great ideas (don’t we all?), but somehow I sometimes lose the ideas in the execution.
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Version 1
3 Reviews
2 Comments
Oh! That marvelous, marvelous day! I awoke with the sun, and beat my maids while they poured my bath. I beat them again when the bath was too hot, and once yet again when the bath was too cold. I lashed at them with words as they poured in the oils to make my skin so soft and lovely, and when my eldest maid yanked my hair as she combed it, I drowned the whore in the tub. I had the rest of my maids parade my finest gowns before me. I chose my favorite, all in reds; it floated and fluttered abo...
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Version 1
9 Reviews
3 Comments
You sit there staring at me like some comic book version of an online chat's "OMG". Why? How can you sit there with this terror-stricken look mangling your beautiful face, accusing me! when I have shown you in so many ways just how much I love you? Haven't I given you everything you ever asked for? I heard you say it yourself. "I just want to feel free again!" And aren't you free now, you ungrateful bastard? I'm sorry. That was unkind and belittles my love for you. I really don't mean to burd...
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Version 1
2 Reviews
2 Comments
As I sat through that night, wrapped in the knowledge that I am a good and considerate lover, comfortable with my sense of generosity and my willingness to sacrifice for the good of what we share, I found myself hungry. Truth was on the menu, and I felt strong enough to taste it, secure enough to know it would sit well on the palette. So I climbed into your mind, and took a seat behind your eyes. At last your eyes, and your thoughts, turned to me. ----- Check-in was easy. Exchange the barest ...
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Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
In my mind, I am fast. I can arrive here, long before I leave there. In my mind, I am strong. The weight of the world is as a cotton ball. In my mind, I am brave. Even the most foul nightmare gives me no pause. In my mind, I am wise. No puzzle of personality is too tangled to unweave. In my mind, I am heroic. No enemy of man or beast can escape my justice. Be glad, Mother, that you are not in my mind.
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Version 1
2 Reviews
2 Comments
I stand across the room, watching you watch me, as I read my words out loud to this hungry crowd. I see your thoughts in your pale eyes, as they brighten with apparent comprehension. I feel your belief that we have connected, as your tears find their way from duct to cheek. I know your sorrow, as you touch my skin and find there is nothing underneath.
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You are definitely on to something. I love a good story about someone who discovers there is more to life, more to themselves, than the "rational" world admits. However, despite your love for this piece (and you should be proud of it), there are acres and acres of room for improvement. First of all, make friends with the comma! Some of your sentences were almost impossible to read for lack of commas, especially early on. Don't assume that some editor will find and repair grammatical problems....
There are some good moments in this piece, like "...to think of an honest answer, then I try to think of the best answer and if they are the same thing." However, even that sentence highlights a major weakness of this snippet: bad syntax and grammar. Try "...to think of an honest answer; then I try to think of the best answer -- as if they are the same thing." The section about the website comments was especially difficult to follow. I can't tell if it was because of missing words or punctuat...
I can't say this really connected with me, but there are some really excellent images here. I especially like "relagating the past to rememberance." and "for the feeling of your frame against the earth".
I read this once as you wrote it, then a second time I read it a little differently. Just a suggestion, but here is where my brain saw the words differently. Start the 4th stanza with "But we didn't" or "But we couldn't". Make the final line "And we won't".
The "voice" of this piece is a bit mature for a six-year-old. But still, the message is solid. I can actually remember thinking this way as a child.
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