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Sandrilene's profile
AGE:
22
LOC: Richmond, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 18
LOC: Richmond, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 18
College student with a love of creative writing. It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything that caught my own interest so I’m excited about my new project. I hope to get constructive feedback. Enjoy!
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Version 1
5 Reviews
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Chapter 1 It was an abnormally warm day in San Francisco, even for the summertime. At one hundred and three degrees the weather was at a record high they hadn’t seen in eight years, and buildings and cars seemed to sway in the heat. The streets downtown were full of people and foot traffic was at an all time high. Adults had called in sick while teens decided to play hooky, knowing they were looking at what might be a once in a lifetime opportunity. Little children took it all in their stride...
Version 2
6 Reviews
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Prologue Pearson Dunlevy — known to those who mattered as The Major — stood at a set of floor to ceiling windows watching the town go by. His offices consisted of the entire top-most floor of the building belonging to Craft Industries. Craft Industries — known to the public as a video game research development and manufacturing facility — was really a front for an organization called Sword Cat. Sword Cat, one of the largest criminal organizations to take up residence in the Bay Area was alway...
Version 1
5 Reviews
2 Comments
Prologue It was an abnormally warm day in San Francisco California, even for the summertime. Buildings and cars swayed in the heat and birds sang non-stop, profiting from their enormously good luck. It wasn’t so much a heat wave as it seemed to be a heat typhoon. At just under one hundred degrees, the weather was at a record high they hadn’t seen in almost seven years. Adults called in sick so they could make an impromptu trip to the beach for a picnic with a loved one. Teens who didn’t have ...
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Reviews
"Coo" - not sure if this was a typo, but if note the register of language doesn't fit with the rest of her speech. The dropping of the "L" is more of a slang type register but she all throughout the story we hear her talk with a normal register. "Anyhoo" - very much a spoken word and not for writing. I understand that this is personal, and when we write about ourselves we tend to write how we think, but "Anyway" would be a better word, or something along those lines. “Andy, please. Tell me wh...
The main thing that hit me with this story was Serena at the club. As a huge fan of Sailor Moon, I like the ditz factor, but I feel that even she would know after a certain point that she was drinking alcohol. I like how you connected Darien and the scouts by having Amy intern under him. this way, no matter what their destinies are lnked whether they know it yet or not. I found it a little improbable that a doctor would let an underage girl get herself drunk if she's in a club by herself. How...
This brings to mind the vampire series from the author Stephanie Meyer. I haven't read the previous installments, but I'm captivated. Your descriptions are well thought out, forming a picture in my mind of where they are, and giving the story a certain atmosphere. The dialogue is simple but effective, keeping only what is necessary for the story without the pressence of flourish or embellishments. It has the feel of a solid tale you can build off of.
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