ShaneShock's profile

This is a hard critique. Warning… Firstly, the chapter opens with a whole lot of dialog and very little scene description, which left me lost. In the beginning are soldiers moving about, somewhere, for some reason, and either an attack is imminent, or battle is going on. Difficult to tell which. Second, your POV jumps around like a frog on a hot rock. Very confusing, and it interrupts the flow because I have to backtrack and seek where the POV changed. Asterisk-breaks help with POV changes, b...

This is a review of the Prologue and Ch01. The Prologue was very well executed, and I really have no critisms to give on it. It was an enjoyable read, and the horrific events told thorugh the boy's eyes--through the boy's ears, really, which was a very nice method--whet my pallet so I could not wait to read Chapter 1. However, Chapter 1 was a little disappointing. Instead of carrying the momentum and suspense from the prologue, it went into long narratives about the hero and his history and t...

This is well written. The story is engaging and easy to follow, the descriptions are adequate and not overbearing, and it was not a flood of information as many prologues tend to be. The “chosen child destined to save the world” storyline is a little overused—IE: Willow—but you put in a couple of twists to keep it spicy, such as the tortured seer actually starting off as a greedy money-grubber instead of being an innocent girl cursed with a great ability. And I like that the beggar merchant i...

The storyline is good, not too original, but I think your quality of characters more than makes up for it. Vise reading and reviewing each chapter, this is a review of chapters 02 thru 05. So far the entire story does need a few more revision wipes, but I like to comment on the story elements rather than the mechanics; pick up a couple self-editing books and they will show you how to streamline your work. 1. Draxius's faith sham is a nice detail to add more complexity to an otherwise flat 'I ...

The story's introduction does not dawdle, it get to the point quickly, which makes a good hook. The greatest improvement I think to me would be your story's beat. It has a beat, a rhythm that carries us through, and it is an eager, interesting beat--at least, it has the makings for an eager interesting beat. It stumbles just as the beat gets going, and I think it has a lot to do with the passive possession. Example: Instead of 'the icy waters of the stream,' try active possession 'the stream'...