Sharon's profile

I thought this was a great story. If this were a children's book I'd be interested in it. My 8-year old would think it's funny with colorful illustrations. I like your writing style. Your sentence structure flows smoothly and the dialoque between the mother and daughter is sweet and done very well. It's a very realistic scene that I could easily see me and my daughter acting out. I guess if I had one complaint it would be that there aren't enough descriptives in it. I don't know what the kitc...

So he breaks free from his captors and runs, falling over the side of a parking garage to his death? I like your writing style. It's very descriptive and edgy, but the thing I don't like about the story is that there's no closure. It's a good scene, but the reader is left wondering _what just happened?_ , _who were those guys?_ , _was it a practical joke gone bad?_ It's vagueness leaves me disappointed, but the writing is good. I like the fast-pacedness of it and the use of your descriptives....

I think I'd like it better, "Trapped inside my head - can't escape!" I don't really like the "(comma)trapped(comma)" in such a short quote. Just my opinion. Good luck with it.