I really enjoyed this story. It was developed very nicely and kept me curious all the way through. I think the story is strong enough to stand on its own, so I don't think you really need those intro paragraphs in the beginning if all you're doing is using it to give the reader that 'storyteller' effect. I also found your paragraph breaks in the middle a bit odd, but it didn't take away from the suspense too much. Good read. Keep writing!

I can understand how the paragraphs are grouped apart, but the thoughts of each paragraph are very short and, separated out as such, makes for a very fragmented reading. I think the first two paragraphs and the last two paragraphs should be merged. There is no smooth transition between the third and fourth paragraphs and the fourth and fifth paragraphs. It feels like it was inserted there afterwards. The misuse of semicolons in this writing interrupts flow. Appositives should be set off with ...

Clearly, I hope there is more to follow because the story has barely begun. This scene is very short, so it will be a tad difficult to dig in too deeply. You have done a great job developing the main character by letting the reader know his thoughts. However, this technique also highlights the extreme under development of Becca's character in this scene. You will definitely need to spend more time expanding Becca's character with more thoughtful/insightful dialogue than what you have here if ...

Your current passive voice method is one way to go about it, but I feel that readers will be able to connect emotionally even more if you can use more present tense active voice. This simple switch alone will do wonders to engaging readers and rooting them into the scene. Also try spicing up your descriptions a bit more. Try alternative ways of describing things; a lot of the phrases are a bit too cliche-- "back abyss," "devilish grin," "legs felt paralyzed." Grammar and spelling needs some t...

I don't quite see the descent into madness, but I do feel the anxiety meter rising throughout the story. The use of short sentences adds to the choppiness and disjointedness and enhances the fragmented thought effect. If using the stream of consciousness approach, the intent is to let the reader in on the thoughts in the main character's head, i.e. the character should not know there is a mind reader. However, there are two sentences that don't obey this and detract from the flow: beginning "...

The meter is good, easily evident, and apparently emphasized, though at the sacrifice of structure, vocab, and emotion. For example, consider how this emphasizes the feeling and keeps the metered flow: Tap! Tap, tap! Of little feet. Joyful giggling ...in the other room. Pattern, of a little one, kept in happy bliss. Decide which aspect you want to emphasize and don't get locked into a presentation format because you think you need to. The tone is light and playful in the beginning with an abr...

The descriptions are very good and compelling. I admit that it was the curiosity that kept me reading; I wondered if there was some purpose to the repetition. However, it seems as though the narrator doesn't know either, which, while it's okay since the narrator basically stated that all he was doing was recording what he saw, certainly doesn't make the reader any more satisfied. I believe that the point of any written piece should evoke a strong response, either satisfaction or dissatisfacti...

Writing is strong with good sentence structure, imagery, logical progression, and appropriate paragraph breaks. Cannot comment on content since I am biased against writing that pushes an agenda in the guise of a story.

Overall, I feel that the attempt to anthropomorphize the pebble doesn't work in this piece because there is nothing ascribed to it that makes it unique or deserving of the attention. The first stanza is a great set up, but the rest of the poem never follows through. How does the pebble's emotions fit into its journey down the river? What makes the child decide to pick this pebble? What is the relationship between the pebble and the river? Is the child simply an observer? If not, the child nee...

Spelling: 'asphalt' I feel that the mood is not quite reflected in the writing style. Half the stanzas emphasize the monotony of a long travel while the other half emphasizes the perception of the immediate surroundings. There are also several instances where the end of the verse doesn't follow logically from the beginning. Stuff that bothered me was: -"terrified travelers" (why? speed? 80mph) yet "stare blankly" and "leaking disappointment." -starts with "driving demands my undivided attenti...