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Talashira's profile
AGE:
24
LOC: Camarillo, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 04
LOC: Camarillo, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 04
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Items
Version 2
26 Reviews
7 Comments
Bars. Why are there bars on the door? Everything was blurry; he squinted things into focus. Glancing around, he realized he was on the floor in the corner of a very cold, very small room. He was sure he'd never been here before. With a soft groan, he pushed himself to his feet; he wobbled for a moment before regaining his balance. He was confused. Where am I? He remembered a little bit now. He remembered being worried that his friend was late. His friend should have been home a long time ago....
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Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
Bars. Why are there bars on the door? Everything was blurry; he squinted things into focus. Glancing around, he realized he was on the floor in the corner of a very cold, very small room. And the door was made of bars. With a soft groan, he pushed himself to his feet. He wobbled a moment. He was confused. Where am I? He remembered a little bit now. He remembered being worried that his friend was late. His friend should have been home a long time ago. He remembered trying to leave to go look f...
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Very, very clever! I have only a couple of suggestions: Use more (or at least some) punctuation, as I think it would lend solidity to the piece; and remove the line where you remember that "they did have cigarettes when [you] were a kid", as it feels like an awkward break in the flow of the piece, where you jump into reminiscing and then jump straight back into the present. Otherwise, as I'd said, very clever.
I have to say that I really didn't understand what I was reading here. I can tell that you're trying to be clever, but it feels like you're way overdoing it... whatever "it" is. The grammar is extremely off-putting; who is the "author" of this supposed to be? Do they simply not speak English well? This is all quite thoroughly confusing. I think that you either need to pull back whatever method you're using to try and make this sound the way it's sounding, or you need to give some backstory to...
Very clever! A bit colder than most haikus, of course, as there's no imagery associated with the words, but clever nonetheless.
These are sweet and the imagery is good, but it feels as if you're really stretching it with the supposed number of syllables in some of the words. You try to pull four syllables out of "powerfully" in the first haiku, second line, for instance, when most people, when reading it aloud and in a natural cadence, would read it as having only three. Same thing with both "tingling" and "mingling" in the second haiku. You must remember to consider how these will sound when read aloud while choosing...
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