TheStormofWar's profile
AGE:
30
LOC: Salt Lake City, UT
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 11
LOC: Salt Lake City, UT
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 11
I use writing as a tool, mostly. It allows me to explore facets of myself that, otherwise, might be inaccessable. I usually prefer poetry and essays, but work with short stories as well. I’m not sure I’ll ever be published, but if I were to be, all the better.
All in all, I prefer to live life by own lead rather then the lead of others. Hence, I’m able to get away with a mohawk in a semi-corporate environment.
http://www.mypsace.com/thestormofwar
Items
Version 1
3 Reviews
4 Comments
Don't look. Maybe they won't notice! Are you a little nervous? The butterflies bouncing your belly are growing fat, giving ulcers derived from a coward's buffet. Don't look. Maybe you'll be passed by! Did you forget your deodorant? Sweating like a sailor inebriatedly gyrating on a harlot; your heart's punching out, will meeking to shadows. Don't look. Maybe you don't have to today! Remember that fleeting moment? The one where you thought "Life will change today!" You swore it, me...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
4 Reviews
7 Comments
Don't look! Maybe they won't notice! Are you a little nervous? The butterflies in your belly seem to be growing a tad fat, giving ulcers derived of cowardly gluttony. Don't look. Maybe you'll be passed by! Did you forget your deodorant? Sweating like a drunken sailor gyrating pathetically on a harlot; your heart's punching out, will meeking to shadows. Don't look! Maybe you don't have to today! Remember that fleeting moment? The one where you thought "Life will change today!" You ...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 4
8 Reviews
10 Comments
The air-raid alarm fragments dreams, as blood flushes to muscles and synapses beg a throttling of the electronic rooster. Juan Valdez bids salutations, though the greeting is lost in the fog, induced by the lingering embrace of Tylenol P.M. The invitation stares harshly, (the one left in deliberate reminder) italicized words teasing vagaries about the class of ‘97. A pilgrimage to the porcelain temple where sacrifices to mercurial beauty are made of shaving gel and bloody nicks. A glazed look...
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Version 3
5 Reviews
10 Comments
Dawn’s shards fragment dreams, the air-raid alarm sends blood scrambling appendages violent tingles, and synapses jolting. Non-dairy ambition bids salutations, though the meaning is lost against the fog induced by Nytol’s embrace. The invitation still sits, deliberate as a cruel joke. Paper and italicized words tease of the reunion. A pilgrimage to the temple; sacrifices to mercurial beauty are made of blood, shaving gel, and pinched fingers. A glazed look past reflections to memories of yest...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
4 Reviews
4 Comments
Dawn’s shards shatter dreams, the air-raid siren of the alarm causing blood to scramble and appendages violent tingles. Dark ambition bids cheerful salutations, though the meaning is lost against the fog induced by Nytol’s embrace. The invitation, left sitting. deliberate as a cruel joke, of paper and italicized words tease of the reunion. A pilgrimage to the temple; sacrifices to mercurial beauty are made of blood, shaving gel, and pinched fingers. A harsh look is made past placid reflection...
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Reviews
Interesting piece. This may read harsh, but it is not intended to be. Let's go. The main thing I note is your grammar needs to be cleaned up a bit, I think, because it reads like a rough draft. Stanza 1, for example, line 1 should awaken instead of awoke given the tense of the sentence. Line 2, "Dismay" shouldn't be capped. Line 3 needs quotation marks to denote your spoken line, and line 4 needs a question mark. I think you could experiment with doing more rhyme and structure. Your scheme is...
Honestly, I think you have some issues with the piece that need to be addressed. One if the heavy use of personal pronouns. You've got 17 lines in it, and 12 that hinge on "he" or "his". A good bet here would be cut down the use of 'em. Also, I tend to think you could make more effective use of real estate in some of your lines to tighten things up a bit. Also line 4, "wrangler" is out of place. Perhaps stoic or something akin to that. Wrangler is describing an occupation to me. Example in li...
Fantastic. Strong use of imagery and using past to present tense (Lines 11 - 13) was, imho, brilliant. That said, line 11 sticks a little far out to keep in line with your structure, but a cutoff at "sleep", then move the four-bedroom house to line 12 would aid you here. Minor niggle though.
I can tell you spent a lot of time on this in revision, but I have a few suggestions. The use of punctuation seems to be a matter a choice, which is something I understand. But with exceptionally long pieces, such as this, I feel it makes reading a tad more difficult to read then need be. Good potential as a spoken word piece as your pacing is, overall, quick. That said, it runs long on paper without some visual cues to help the mind know when to stop. The pacing feels a little weird to me, a...
One could take this few ways. The most obvious is "Chicken Little", but I can see where one would take a deeper look. Oddly, I can draw a connection to a kid who received some bad news, such a friend moving away or some other stuff like that. The end of his or her world is at hand. I doubt that way the intent, but it is interesting what you can read into it. I would suggest using some caps and punctuation where necessary, otherwise, it feels slightly boring to read as it is. Otherwise, good s...
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