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TirzahLaughs's profile
AGE:
37
LOC: Latonia, KY
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 20
LOC: Latonia, KY
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 20
I have been writing since I was eleven. I write poetry, short stories, and I keep trying to finish my novel. All I have ever wanted was to be a better writer. I love reading and I think I am a very good reviewer of other’s work. I hope they agree.
I have lived my whole life in Kentucky. I don’t recommmend it if you get a choice. I love dogs, books, and powertools in that exact order. I am happily single, I have no children, and I am currently working on becoming a better human being. It may take a while.
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Version 1
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1 Comment
The sun poured over me and I turned my face up to the warmth. Mmm, it felt so good. Unfortunately it was Thursday and I had brunch at Carpaccio’s with my mother. Lavinia, Sr. was seated at the center table on the outside patio, dressed to impress in her champagne silk suit. A glass full of white wine glittered in front of her. Oh fluff, I was late. She'd ordered wine. I'd be less disturbed if she'd been holding a stiletto and a severed head. I straightened my yellow tulle skirts, sucked...
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Version 1
7 Reviews
9 Comments
My name is Plum. Actually, my real name is Lavinia but who besides my mother would go through life lugging that around? Plum suits me well enough and most of the time I forget all about the Lavinia, which can only be a blessing. Do you think they'll actually keep me in jail? It was an such an accident. The letter opener slipped when he tried to grab it. Besides, he only got four stitches in his groin, barely a scratch. I got ten stitches in my butt wallpapering Binny's basement last month an...
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Version 1
2 Reviews
2 Comments
Mama, please don’t love me anymore. Don’t watch me sleep counting my breaths, in and out, until I hit ten- thousand. Don’t listen to me when I speak on the phone, Don’t read my mail and scribble down notes. Don’t follow me to bathrooms, public and private, wanting to know where I’m going... Where the hell do you think I’m going? I’m so lonely but I’m never alone. I never get to stop but I never get anywhere. Let me go, don’t le...
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I love parts of this poem. It has voice, it has tone. But I think the problem is (and it's a small one), is syllables. I think the 'of consciousness' makes the line too long in stanza one. Too many syllables. Can you rewrite to shorten that long line? There is a flow to your writing that gets corrupted when these oddly long syllable lines break into your stanzas. But that's my opinion only. Overall, I thought it was wonderful. It was only that extra breath to say the occassional line that thr...
You need more build up to the twist at the end. It sort of drifts in from no where. I'd have more impact if you played with it a bit. The guy's dialogue is a bit stilted and old-fashioned. On purpose? "Darling won't you come to bed soon? I miss your warmth." ? You might say the bed is cold without you but you probably wouldn't say 'I miss your warmth." It doesn't sound natural, especially witht the 'Darling'. But i detest the word 'darling' so it may be my issue there. I think if you build th...
You're trying to hard. The rhyme is to exact. Mix it up with some alliteration and partial rhyme. Have a bit more play in the words, a bit more fun. When the rhyme is to straight, it sometimes distracts from what you are saying. Good rhyme should carry the reader along, not take center stage. If you use more partial rhyme and a bit of alliteratiion, you'll get more musical quality. I think it's a nice start but you need to refine it and pare it down from okay to really good. Tirz
Good work. Line three is stronger if you remove the 'like'. In poetry removing an unneeded like or as can add another layer to a poem. Without the title, I could read this is a birth/rebirth/do over poem. It reads well both ways. The double 'even' starting two lines in the lower stanza reads hard outloud. Plus, the color then the black walls--the images seem muddled. Wouldn't the color reflect upon the black walls, and make them irrediscent? You say they shine but a dead black shine and a ref...
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