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TomWatson's profile
AGE:
65
LOC: Novato, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 27
LOC: Novato, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 27
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Version 1
2 Reviews
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I stand, arms open wide; Open to you with nothing to hide... My book pages blow in the breeze, Waiting your touch to satisfy my needs With your hand gentle upon my chest, My heart pounds beneath, not wishing to rest As you move your fingers over each line, each page, They begin to curl from the heat of your gaze... Arms stretched out inviting you to come in, I seek your fires to be melted within; While the pages turn with the breeze for which I long, The letters mingle into a winsome song… Fo...
Version 1
2 Reviews
2 Comments
Still, you have the questions; The lingering, fingers of doubts, The need for analysis of Jesus’ mission; The need to know what it was all about; Though you know how He died; That, all of it God’s word has explained; Though you know even how He cried; You still question what God’s love had ordained. He embraces you, His hands spread out; Held for all eternity, offering His love; Is it only the nails you had not forgot? He had expected His pain would be enough, Yet you only have hung your pai...
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Hehehe...other than not being worldly enough to understand the title reference (Havisham?) I still found this a truly talented piece of work. "I think you are lucky I’m not serving mud pies of scansion, for, as a rule, I don’t serve folks poems. " I hope you continue to break that rule. Tom W
Powerfully expressed yet subtle. Your repetition of the lines: "Colors are for flowers for rainbows for sunsets." is perfect. The one thing I would want to look at though are the 5th and 6th lines. I would want to maintain consistency with the starting "Perhaps if I ..." into line 6. If I might suggest: "Perhaps if I picked away at your pathetic mentality, you would be smart." I was pleased to have the opportunity to review this work. I hope you give us more. Tom W.
Again, and again I continue to emphasize, without proper controlled metre, using punctuation to express emotion is vital. Especially in poems with such powerful feelings as this one. Overall I liked the idea and see a great potential for your future writing. If you try not to be too wordy, try to express your thoughts with emotion and avoid the storytelling temptations we all have in our poetic efforts, you may be able to acquire some of the important feeling of rhythm that is natural, in my ...
Perhaps I should create an autotext and make this easier to do each time I review a writing: Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation! I had to read and re-read this in order to gather the emotion of which there is considerable. The idea is powerful, but the lack of construction weakens the power considerably. I would hope to see something else from you, with your thoughts expressed through proper punctuations, because I see a lot of potential in your heart. Tom W
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