Underscore79's profile 
AGE:
30
LOC: Lisle, IL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 14
LOC: Lisle, IL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 14
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Items
Version 1
15 Reviews
3 Comments
Nathan shot upright in bed, wiped the crusty yellow snot from his eyes and paused, listening for the piercing crack that woke him from a dead sleep to repeat. It had been loud and sudden--that he remembered--but the tingling awareness crawling up his sweat soaked spine was fading fast, and the wild leaps his imagination took seemed less plausible with each red minute that passed on the radio alarm clock teetering on the night table. Stupid, he told himself. Gunshots in his trendy downtown nei...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
18 Reviews
2 Comments
Stop & Drink, the sign read. Orange letters glowed against the black sky, flickering in the distance as Robert glided closer on the motorcycle, eased off the throttle and turned into the gravel parking lot. The bike slid to a graceful stop in front of the florescent sign hanging lopsided over the bar’s doorway. Robert flicked the kill-switch, yanked off his helmet and stared. The tube lighting the ampersand was dying, he noticed, eying the sign as he swiped an arm across his sweaty brow. The ...
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Reviews
This short sample is very bland. The reason why is because you just list a bunch of features about the mother character without truly filtering through the narrators eyes. It's telling us this feature and that feature like you are checking off a list of items rather than choosing the most important feature(s) and then bringing them to life through the narrator. For example, instead of saying her skin was "soft to the touch," why not give readers a memory that best exemplifies that feature and...
This version is really stripped down. I like the idea, but I think you could give it more punch. I recommend describing the gray, dismal world more so that the juxtaposition of the bright red rose feels more extreme. As a reader, I want to feel the polar opposites, and be drawn into the world. I want to be shocked by the rose's contrast and the longing for a long ago world of imperfection and beauty.
Your grammar and sentence structure/syntax need some work. I would strongly suggest getting some books from the local library and boning up. I appreciate your upfront honest writing style, and I hate to see it suffer from grammar when it could easily be corrected. Example: You wrote, "My name's Julissa Gage. I am an African American and Puerto Rican ninteen year old, whose father been in and out of my life since the day I was born. Whose father's perspective of a father, of a man, was tainted...
I thought the narrator was a person, then a bird, and then it turns out to be a squirrel. That was not only confusing, but rather annoying. If you meant for it to be a "reveal" at the end of the story, I would add more of a punch, rather than the bland ending you gave it. If it wasn't intended as a "reveal," then I suggest you clue the reader in earlier. The nut references aren't enough. Secondly, this story reads like it was written for a third grade reader. I like this. I did this. I do thi...
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