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Unnoticed's profile
AGE:
20
LOC: Seattle, WA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 14
LOC: Seattle, WA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 14
I’m an undergraduate at the University of Washington. I like black coffee, hard science, and bad weather. I don’t support your political or religious ideology.
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Version 1
26 Reviews
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"Step 14: Please Submit Any Personally Owned Pets to the Admissions Office at Northwestern University." Very well, Michael thought. He grabbed his cat, Bagheera, put him into a brown box, cut some holes in the box, and taped it shut. He would address it later. Step 15: Please Submit Urine Sample. The page had a colored bar, and below it, the label “urine must be this yellow to be accepted”. Michael went into the bathroom and peed into a jar. It looked yellow enough. He put a lid on his urine...
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I think that your rhythm is a bit off. The following line is difficult to read cleanly: "in life a thing a blight in dreams a queen an angel" Try to make the lines mesh a little better. You create imagery rather well; I had a sense of what you were trying to portray.
You use repetition very effectively - don't let anybody tell you that you say something too many times. My main objection is to your keeping of the rhythm. If you read it alloud, you will see that it is difficult to keep a steady tone throughout the poem.
I feel like your words reflect your personal experiences. This is a feeling that I don't get from most other poetry on Urbis. There are no glaring flaws in your writing. Some of your lines don't convey the emotions that I think that you want to. When you say "because they were just small people," you make it seem that it was their size that made you think that they would do what you say. That isn't really true; it was the fact that you were their father. You don't feel entitled to tell your n...
I actualled laughed a little at the thought of a diamond being kicked around its anger growing "like a weed". However, lines like "it’s a very pretty marble that shouldn’t be played with" were too obvious. So was your ending. If you want to talk about how we're harming the environment, you've got to try something less simplistic than this.
I think that you're reasonably good at creating imagery. Unfortunately, that imagery is still of the same-old-same-old: "I heard a distant songbird sing On a night the moon was full, and big" Songbirds and full moons? Heard it all before, mate. "You promised me that you’d be there You swore to me that you really cared" Sounds like somebody whining about a breakup. Nothing interesting in these lines. "It’s song was sad, but I felt better I wasn’t alone, as I read the letter" Cheesy rhyme! "It’...
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