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Valdieron's profile
AGE:
36
LOC: Australia
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: June 12
LOC: Australia
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: June 12
M/33
Adelaide, Australia
Fan of fantasy fiction since high-school. No, it wasn’t when I was given a copy of the Lord Of The Rings :)
I have 2 finished / edited manuscripts, and am currently working on the third in the series.
With my reveiws, I am brutally honest, I won’t do the ‘You scratch mine, I’ll scratch yours’ ratings. If I think yours is excellent, I will rate it accordingly, and vice versa, no matter what you may have rated mine as.
Also, when I reveiw, I show what you have written and offer my suggestions for a fix. This is NOT an attempt at free credits, as more often than not my reveiws get capped at 200 for the reveiw long before I finish. If this means you need to spend a few extra credits to reveal my reveiw, ...
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New author, free to good publisher.
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Note to self: stop making notes!
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Zaleef stood silhouetted against the pre dawn light as he leaned against the frame of the large window in his office. Before him, the tip of the morning sun peered over the rough horizon. Its presence cast a blazing trail across the dark surface of the Twin Lakes. From the south, a dark cloud front approached inexorably, marring the otherwise perfect sky. Yet it was another imminent storm which clouded his mind. &nb...
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Punter in to bat, Get ready in the grandstand, Its raining kookas.
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Dragons breath expels, Armor falls like hot butter, A knight to forget.
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To start, I would abridge your first sentence, making it more sharp and biting for a reader. Such as: “So it is true, the Chosen has once again been reborn?” Take out the bit with the grave voice. Instead, mention it in the next sentence. Silence followed the grave voice, which echoed off the walls. "Our best agents have investigated and all the signs indicate the Chosen’s birth," offered..... etc etc * both supported and fought against the Chosen i suggest dropping 'against' as fighting sugg...
Well written. Not much I can suggest to improve it, except maybe a bit of sentence restructuring to improve the flow, as some paragraphs were fairly long. Interesting concept with enough intrigue and substance to keep a reader reading! Good job.
0.0% Review Quality (3 Votes)
Hi. On the whole, well written. I will try point out a few areas which I think require a bit of work. If I repeat what others may have said, I apologise in advance :) To illustrate things, I have shortened your work to highlight the part, then added some suggestions below. The air shimmered and Petrick ...... dove out of the way just in time. Given the dangerous situation, I'm not sure she would 'stare' at Petrick when he appeared. Also, given that they speak 2 sentences, I would have thought...
Another solid piece of writing! A couple of punctuation issues, and a reliance on '.....' but apart from that, excellent work! it looks as if a plot and story are progressing very well. A few things: When you hang up a mobile phone, do you hear a click? i would have thought you would hear a 'beep' instead. Slowly, it all comes back to him, Passive voice? Shouldn't you just write, Slowly it all came back to him, ?? I think you did this a couple of times that I saw. Other than that, keep up t...
Wow! Great stuff! brings back memories of Thor comics I used to read haha. Have always been interested in Norse mythology, so i look forward to reading where this goes! Writing-wise, couldn't pick up on much at all! Stuff like this, “You know work has been-…” If you are going to cutt off dialogue, all you need is the '-' not all the '....' they denote someone trailing off. he says this with a wry look. said with a wry look. ? The paragraph where she jumps the fence to the Faire is also very...
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