Vato's profile
AGE:
38
LOC: Rockwell, NC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 15
LOC: Rockwell, NC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 15
I play rock and roll for a living… and living is good.
Items
Version 1
6 Reviews
4 Comments
Suzana did remember a time, only once, when she had seen him constrained to violence. It had been a defining moment in their lives. A group of them, her friends not his, had been hanging out in a parking lot waiting for a movie to begin. There had been ten of them, five guys with their girlfriends. They had milled about in the florescent lighting. He had taken her aside simply to talk, which with him had always been reason enough for her. Shouts rang out and they had turned to see another gr...
Version 2
7 Reviews
8 Comments
Yes, Lady… I might have been wrong. ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t begin to excuse it, so I’ll not say it. But let me try to put it into terms you might understand, maybe then you will be able to relate. Last night was one of those times when the tension in your body is so great that it is physically discomforting. You notice your hands; you hate them. The life blasting through the veins cannot be denied. It thunders along with the controlled fury...
Version 1
6 Reviews
17 Comments
you hum Last night was one of those times when the tension in your body is so great as to become physically discomforting. you notice your hands; you hate them. The life in them blasting through the veins cannot be denied. It thunders along with the controlled fury of a freight train trapped in its course, raging against the bonds that constrain it… indignant and disrespectful in action. Yes, the blood in you jeers and ridicules so that the fingers become super-heated...
Version 1
8 Reviews
14 Comments
Shiny It was 3 pm, 3 hours before hubby got home, 3 minutes afterward he would be drinking; again. 3 times the phone rang, 3 seconds it took to answer and then 3 words were half shouted in excl.. "Oh, hey Hoot!" words sounded in her ear. "Yeah, yeah, um… no, I'm doing great, Hoot. How've you been?" "Really, you're getting married. Well doesn't that kick shit. Ha, I never thought you'd ever commit to anyone, really. Who's the lucky girl?" "The TV...
Version 1
10 Reviews
12 Comments
"It's such a lovely gun," the man said. He gripped it tightly, finger pressure-white on the trigger. He knew how to point it for maximum psychological affect. When they screamed he hushed them by burying it in their temples. When they fought he struck them with the gun. All so he could get what he wanted; something not his. It was oh, so sweet. He loved every second of it. He stood in their doorways marveling. Then there was the one time out of many he got caught; the kind of caugh...
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Reviews
Very well, I shall strive to adhere to your review requests. I've got to say upfront, I laughed at the ending. I laugh rarely at the things I read here. I think it reads very well, and is, as you seek, descriptive enough to be relevant to all. There are a few editorial, spelling, verb tenses that you can fix easily. These hindered story flow, but not story impact. The only thing that does hinder in the least is you seem to be over reaching when trying to find different ways to describe semen....
-There was something that kept Makya cling to life: light. Light - Typo on "clinging" I am sure.... -Betrayed by the mountain he’s learnt to love like a mother, nourishing earth to which his soul was connecting – land and body, equal measure. - There seems to be a few distinct thoughts in this sentence. As such breaking them out into sentence of their own will enhance clarity of thought. - Beginning the following sentence with the same word as previously used to open a thought gives you an o...
Very good, and concise tale. Having experience much the same dilemma at an Australian post office, it's very relatable. Too much stuff here isn't, as you'll be aware. Not much to be done to this piece. I have some personal thoughts only - the professionalism of the work it very much in tact. -I was so flabbergasted that she spoke that I didn’t move at first. - Just a hint of a lack of clarity here. I'd substitute the word "when" for the first "that". -She thought my newer and far superior pro...
Much improved since last I saw it. The italicized "thoughts" make the piece more interesting. As does the unusual spelling of the alien creature's name. My only criticism: -I licked Bzzlbub’s honey node with my tongue. - While I know you're striving to attain 100 meaningful words, isn't the "with my tongue" phrase redundant? Is there another way to lick? ~Josef
I think the story has potential, but your wordiness is over the top. Many of the sentences run on too long, and contain separate enough thoughts that they should be complete sentences on their own. Many of your adjectives/adverbs do not add to the overall thought wanting to be expressed in each sentence. I think you can clean this up some to make it flow better.
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