VelvetJesus's profile
AGE:
27
LOC: Wrens, GA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: May 09
LOC: Wrens, GA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: May 09
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Items
Version 1
15 Reviews
2 Comments
"you judge me by the differences between us, but i am merely a product of your circumstances." -VelvetJesus
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Verse: With a whisper she lets me know That she feels it's time to go Deeper than we've ever tried Before and I'm terrified The softest kiss Makes me long for more of her To taste her lips Is to long for more of her Chorus: It's her touch that leads me away From all I've been given Tonight I'll start all over And live again...with her Verse: The static on the radio Is lost in the melody of The music that we both create As our innocence fades away So dance with me Just a little while longer I'...
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Verse: I'm a new age tidal wave In the end I'll wash away Every love I've known I'm terrified of winning I'm accustomed to losing Every love I've known Chorus: But it's in her hands, I've learned to feel again And it's in her eyes, I've learned to see again And it's in her arms, I've learned to love again It's in her heart, That's where I am Verse: She's the light of a new day That shines and illuminates My lost memories She's a new age hideaway In the place I'd love to make My new memories C...
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Verse: Pretty Rose begins to melt She just needs to love herself Feels like this is all her fault But he never cared at all Always been misunderstood Feelings locked away for good Kneeling in the corner now Praying to escape somehow He's pounding on the bedroom door But she won't take this shit no more Chorus: Take a look into her eyes See the thorns she cannot hide In the sunlight Verse: Pretty Rose begins to mend She just needs to live again Find her own way in the world She's no ordinary g...
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Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
Clearing out the cobwebs of a weary heart Raped and left for dead Turning through the pages of a thoughtless mind Everyone has read I hear that our salvation is an open road With its own dead end And now that I am wanting There's nothing for me here So I'll run through the darkness Searching for my way back home Because every now and then shadows kill When they are left alone in the sun I've searched in different places just to find That people are the same They all say that suicide's the bes...
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Reviews
Side is longing. i've read your work on here and i like all of it, but i felt this piece needed a comment or review or whatever. i can relate to this poem because, i too am a "man that lives for tomorrow". i really can't find anything too terribly wrong with this piece. however, it would provide a contrasting element to this writing if you were to create another stanza on a "tomorrow that does disappoint". it's just an idea though. also, would i be correct in assuming that "tomorrow" refers t...
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Twitch is deliberate and innovative. I feel entirely out of place attempting to critique your work, but I'll give it ago. Jay makes good points about the technical contradictions of your story, but, whith all due respect to Jay, to the casual reader, such as myself, those thoughts would never enter into play. It just depends on the type of audience you are writing for, I guess. One thing that irked me about the story (and it is a small quirp) is the over-use of the word "shower" in the beginn...
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Norm is brilliant. Well, since pretty much everything that can be said to inflate Norm's ego has already been mentioned, I'll just add on here and there. This piece really is fantastic. As first glance it would seem as if this is a suicide note, but then I realize that the narrator isn't using the past tense. He's actually stating what he's thinking at the moment. so, if he wasn't typing this, then what was he looking at on his computer? i know that 2 uses of the F5 key are, in some editions ...
okay, just a few points, but i'm no professional at this, so just take it for how you want. i liked the way the beginning has been presented, i too am a fan of fight club, but after David's narrative, the story seems to get a bit confusing. for one, how did Sammy get the body of the businessman past David if he is the bathroom attendent? wouldn't he have been there when she brought the man in? also, Sammy REALLY confuses me. in the beginning, Sammy is refered to as "she" but in the end, "he"....
I too enjoyed reading this piece. You seemed to have captured the feeling that every teenager has, concerning whether or not they are appealing to anyone and questioning what's life like once you get out into the world. A few suggestions though, the flow seemed to get off at times, more or less, in the 3rd and 6th stanzas. If this were put to music, you'd want to try to make the syllables fairly close in count to eachother, otherwise, it seems as if your rushing to get the words out in one pl...
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