I absolutely love this. The thought of someone coming to carry us away from the hurt, the pain, the deception we all feel; you really captured that idea here. I enjoyed the fact of you eluding to a "spiritual place" that is supposed to be much better than the world we live in and how you used words that would cause the listener to think about what's really being said. great job!

creative, obviously metaphoric, but i didn't understand any of it. honestly, it seems like you just put alot of words together, made them rhyme, and called it a song. then again, maybe it's just too cryptic for me to read. i'm sure there is something that i'm missing.

i love the way the chorus is done. the way you seem to move from one phase of being to another. a natural process, if you will. that said, the chorus is the only eye-catching part. just a suggestion, try subsitutiing a few words. for example, you've already used the word "die" twice in the chorus, so in the verse that says "there's nothing left to die" try using "kill" instead, or something thereof. nonetheless, i like the theme, it has nice intensity, but i feel that it's too simple. it's ob...

"the world's a freakshow carnival" is the of the most original lines i have ever heard. that whole piece is worth reading just to get to that line. the first verse is my favorite. i love how you're telling the person to not worry about warning signs. that was an ingenious way of doing it. the only thing that i see that could be critiqued is that the 2nd verse is a good bit shorter than the first, but since you added in a bridge, it doesn't really matter. this is put together very well...great...

this is awesome... i think you summed up how any person who likes to drink feels the day after "one too many". "i spent all last night nestled in your comfort" just sums it all up in one line. i'm curious though, will there be a Part II to this story? haha.

I too enjoyed reading this piece. You seemed to have captured the feeling that every teenager has, concerning whether or not they are appealing to anyone and questioning what's life like once you get out into the world. A few suggestions though, the flow seemed to get off at times, more or less, in the 3rd and 6th stanzas. If this were put to music, you'd want to try to make the syllables fairly close in count to eachother, otherwise, it seems as if your rushing to get the words out in one pl...

okay, just a few points, but i'm no professional at this, so just take it for how you want. i liked the way the beginning has been presented, i too am a fan of fight club, but after David's narrative, the story seems to get a bit confusing. for one, how did Sammy get the body of the businessman past David if he is the bathroom attendent? wouldn't he have been there when she brought the man in? also, Sammy REALLY confuses me. in the beginning, Sammy is refered to as "she" but in the end, "he"....

Norm is brilliant. Well, since pretty much everything that can be said to inflate Norm's ego has already been mentioned, I'll just add on here and there. This piece really is fantastic. As first glance it would seem as if this is a suicide note, but then I realize that the narrator isn't using the past tense. He's actually stating what he's thinking at the moment. so, if he wasn't typing this, then what was he looking at on his computer? i know that 2 uses of the F5 key are, in some editions ...

Twitch is deliberate and innovative. I feel entirely out of place attempting to critique your work, but I'll give it ago. Jay makes good points about the technical contradictions of your story, but, whith all due respect to Jay, to the casual reader, such as myself, those thoughts would never enter into play. It just depends on the type of audience you are writing for, I guess. One thing that irked me about the story (and it is a small quirp) is the over-use of the word "shower" in the beginn...

Side is longing. i've read your work on here and i like all of it, but i felt this piece needed a comment or review or whatever. i can relate to this poem because, i too am a "man that lives for tomorrow". i really can't find anything too terribly wrong with this piece. however, it would provide a contrasting element to this writing if you were to create another stanza on a "tomorrow that does disappoint". it's just an idea though. also, would i be correct in assuming that "tomorrow" refers t...