VoidSucker's profile

‘You have three months left to live. At most. Or, if you like, one hundred days.’ IF YOU LIKE? No, I bloody do not like. Can I have a refund on life? Before Dr Bastard uttered these mortal words she was Dr Sarah Henshall, a gorgeous twenty-something with cascading brunette curls and crimson lipstick shinier than God’s bathroom suite. Now she is the official messenger of death. MY death. Like the dutiful patient, I sit opposite her mahogany desk and absorb the emotional tsunami crashing over m...

With every pore I just want to write, to make people laugh . . . But now in UK land it’s Monday morning and the weekend is dead and buried - although it IS party time for the worms. Another lonnnngggg week awaits. Another five-day stretch of work. Sure, work is not fun - otherwise it would be called ‘fun’, not ‘work’ - yet there is nothing in the world longer than a week of work. Except my private bits obviously, they’re longer than the Grand Canyon under a microscope (a huge joke for our fri...

The Big Bang theory is that all of the universe is the result of a sole point in time at which all matter exploded outwards with ferocious velocity. If you find this difficult to imagine, think of it as all the size zero idiots going on a curry and lager binge for a month: Nicole Richie being force-fed Prawn Madras and 12 bottles of Budweiser each meal, each day, for a month. (Wow, I'd pay good money to see that, though not my money obviously . . .) Although the Big Bang theory does not fully...

'I HATE football.' Joy! There, I've said it, I've ushered the second most heinous phrase in Western civilisation (the first being: 'I Love Gary Glitter'). But it's true: I just find the majority of football deeply boring. It's more tedious than watching a documentary about a history of earthworms. It's more annoyingly banal than reading about Paris Hilton. It's even more sleep inducing than a Spice Girls concert and that IS saying something. The UK is a nation obsessed with football, whole we...

HOW TO BE HAPPY Perspective: it’s a beautiful word. But in a beautiful world it seems we are all unhappy. Tragically, stomach-shreddingly unhappy. Surveys show that since the 1950s life in Europe has declined inexorably in terms of happiness, and this is despite the impolite lateness of a Third World War (which I’m sure George W Bush has plans to rectify). Yes, we are now richer than back then, as our real incomes per capita have risen; yes, more of us now own cars, DVD players and other whit...