This is written well enough but I'm not sure if you are creating problems for yourself? I've now read the other chapters and it seems we are seeing this story through the eyes of Megan and Josh and, here, Caroline. There is nothing wrong in having multiple viewpoints in a story of course, but stories work more effectively if the viewpoints are sufficiently different. Now, the Megan viewpoint is great because we get to see the tough female POV and her amusing thoughts of rural cowboy life from...

I like the story but there are a few technical problems. These sentences need the punctuation sorting out as they don't read well as they stand: '...and Jenny however he could not make...' '...senses however he did have a bit of headache...' '...or did he die in the car crash and this is Heaven and if it was Heaven...' In the first two I'd consider adding a . or a ; around each 'however'. In the third perhaps add a ? after car crash. mustang -> Mustang In the sentence describing the heavy ...

Given the subject nature this piece has a limited audience, since ex-virgins like myself are not particularly interested in virgins wanting to lose their status. However, I like this and it's written well enough, in an easy to read informal style. There's not much wrong with the grammar either. This is the exception: 'I looked like somebody’s girlfriend, Mickey’s girlfriend and started...' You need another comma, eg: 'I looked like somebody’s girlfriend, Mickey’s girlfriend, and started...' Y...

This sentence is wrong: 'She almost growled at herself, this was no time for sarcasm.' It has a comma splice (a sentence in which two independent clauses are joined by a comma with no conjunction) and so should be one of the following: 'She almost growled at herself. This was no time for sarcasm.' 'She almost growled at herself; this was no time for sarcasm.' <- my choice 'She almost growled at herself but this was no time for sarcasm.' It's a personal choice but parentheses for thoughts i...

'He was one of them old-timey preachers that always wears black and walks...' This, as a grammatically correct sentence, should be: 'He was one of those old-timey preachers who always wears black and walks...' Of course, if your narrator does not have a fine grasp of English intentionally (which is what you seem to be striving for here) then what you have written is okay. The first part characterising the preacher is okay but you do labour the point a bit. You say: 1. Like they was all carefu...

Here are my specific comments: I know you say this is a new story, but try to start with maximum impact in the first line if you can. We see a dead girl, who has been raped, and this is an intriguing start since it offers a hook to entice the reader (who is the girl and why is she dead?) My only suggestion is to write your first two paragraphs in a more startling way. Using almost only your words, here is my version: God, she was only a child, but they raped her first. The bastards. Her dress...

I remember reading an earlier version of this and I remember liking that version. I like this too. It's a quiet, sweet story, and it is mostly well written. I like the longing for Gaye that the narrator portrays. If I had to nitpick, I'd say that you might want to (a) try avoid some repetitions, (b) make the writing more active and (c) be a little more vivid. Here's some examples: (a) repetition 'For me it’s because I’m ugly. I’ve very much accepted my appearance: a forehead that somehow peak...

I like this but for me the last line doesn't work too well. It seems a bit over-wordy (despite the syllable count) and also it lacks the last line punch a good limerick should strive for. I am struggling to think of a snappy last line off the top of my head but I think you should spend a bit more time on line 5.

I love description and am always banging on about it on Urbis because it brings writing to life. However, yours at the start is a bit too much! You say this is an extract so I presume this is NOT the start of a chapter? (Your start would work even less as the opening chapter.) The right amount of description is great but a whole paragraph of it is little risky, because not only does it sound like an infodump, but it also stops the action. Dead. You might consider splitting it up so it isn't o...

I started reading this expecting an action adventure but when I hit truth one and then all the stuff about toilets it seemed to be heading down the humour route. First impressions stick with a reader so if you want them to think this is action adventure, try and start with the action and adventure and THEN introduce the humour - otherwise they might think it's solely a humour piece and so find the action and adventure a bit of a diversion. I think if you start this with something like this th...