WorkingPrince's profile

and….Hell, dang clean writing so far. Great voice. The hell needs a space. I know it’s lame but I got to find a mistake somewhere. One gripe I want make now is I think you have a little bit too much description after speech. Just tad less would be great. All the italics through me off a little. As a reader I felt you the author was being too pushy in trying to control how I perceive the characters speech. Your narration is more than good enough that you don’t need all the italicized words to ...

He cries out to.. little thing if there is no air how can he cry out? spreads over him, a beautiful.. I’m noticeing some comma problems and I’m no expert. But in that line after him a think a semicolon is needed. I have the same problem as I’m seeing here and that is going too far with my discriptions. You should really try and use less commas as all the pauses can be a little nerve racking. And really hold back from using more than 2 per sentence. Just my thoughts. For a moment, he remembers...

which are better left inner, but often which… the two wich’s are too close together for comfort. Downtown Integrated Counseling Services. Great choice in not righting the acronym out. applied to CLITS” I would say.. Missing a comma This was very entertaining, bravo. When I think of writing in first person this style is what I think of. Full of whit! Few little glitches but I really think this is publishable. Good work.

I’m her problem, and no one else… You know what would be great at this point is to tie in what you said earlier about the mothers “strong morals”. Maybe a line like.. Like I said, she has her version of strong morals. give a crack about.. I know what you are trying to say but I don’t see crack working. Maybe it’s just me. “I wouldn’t eat that.. around this section I would have liked to see a little more imagery. Maybe describe some facial expression, funny wrinkled pajamas or something. Just ...

VVery interesting and you defiantly get a feeling for the environment and character thoughts. A lot of good emotion in this piece. What I found a little disturbing about the piece is how you directly talk to the reader and then say things like: He was unlike anyone I had ever met.. but right before those thoughts memories etc you are talking directly to the reader. You see this you feel that etc.. I'll let you take me on a journey but if it's me seeing this and me doing that don't switch pov'...