Yodec's profile
AGE:
16
LOC: Lincoln, NE
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 17
LOC: Lincoln, NE
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 17
I am young. Remember that fact, for some of my writings will be good, possibly great, and others…not so much.
I am on this site to improve myself and my writing skills, a talent I already have and must build upon. I am an aspiring writer in the following fields:
Fictional Writer
Songwriter
Poet
I do not want biased opinions, for they will not help me achieve my goal. I want a solid, straight answer, no matter how mean. But these comments MUST be constructive.
I hope to review some of your work or you reviewing mine!
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Version 2
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Something rippled in the air. Something made the sky seem like it was coming at me in waves. At first, I thought I was losing my mind. Then, suddenly, it stopped. I kept my cell to my ear as I listened even more intently to the deep voice on the other end. “Jeff, can you hear me?” he asked. I nodded, then realized he couldn’t see me. Or at least, I thought he couldn’t. “Yes, I can hear you.” “Good. Look to your left.” I did as I was told....
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Version 2
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Sorrow My collection Of all things to come Death My rejection Even though I want to run Anger My obsession As all good deeds come undone Hate My correction For the morality I do not possess Pain My infatuation A masochistic test My dark heart Deepened in grief Seen with the angels Sought to bring relief My dark heart Set in the light Severed from my veins It all ends tonight As I look into your eyes My dark heart No longer, no more As I walk into that room I shut the cursed door
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Version 1
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One breath A final whisper Ringing in my ears I cease to be who I truly am. I cross the line of humiliation and tempt my demons of devastation. Golden light Streams from her eyes A halo rests upon her head where her purities lay Breathing paused Heart stopped Dreaming of a deadly sin I talk with confusion wondering when this will end She speaks in low voices but the words are loud noises I cry inside and I wonder if she can hear A beauty underneath Flowing with every heartbeat In my soul, s...
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Version 1
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Ghosts capture Rupture Sever my thoughts Clouding Forceful doubting Becoming what I’m not They enter and exit Whispering a mass Of empty promises Ghosts capture Rupture Sever my thoughts Clouding Surrounding The present Forgot As the past comes I run The night breaks Here comes the dawn Ghosts darken me With blades of hate Lies Inside the mind Weary of nothing But what was Left behind Truth Unknown Out my heart’s window My ghosts have captured Ruptured Severed my thoughts He...
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Version 1
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Tears of fear, her soul, no longer here. Tears of sadness, My soul, Full of blackness. Knees rested Upon the grass Where I saw her last. Face red, Mind dead, My roses lay Upon her early grave.
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Reviews
You certainly have talent. I cannot deny that. You're prose is good, but some of the tenses you used for some of the dialogue lines seemed more for a screenplay rather than a short story. The dialogue was very realistic, and your descriptions were rather good. If it were for a novel, I'd say otherwise. I hope to see some other work from you.
Interesting poem here. "Richard Simmons", lol. But still, I found it to be very blatant, which is a good think. My brain hurts, anyways. Good job.
I really didn't get this, unless you're going against some government. For example , from L7-8, it makes no sense. What the heck does a twenty-four hour buffet have to do with starry mornings and a sleep? If it was a metaphor of some sort, it still wouldn't matter. That line just did not make any sense to me. But with all that, I still gave it a seven. :D Happy Trails.
I thought you could actually expand on this a little more, because to me it was actually a little short. But on a good note, you gave the reader a good image of what you were going through at that time, if this is true, that is. I liked it, and I hope you continue on. One thing, you don't really need the dots, because it seems like your trailing off, and I don't think you should. A question mark, however, was good to place. ;) Happy Trails.
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