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AGE:
38
LOC: Denton, TX
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 25
LOC: Denton, TX
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 25
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Items
Version 1
10 Reviews
3 Comments
Robin heard the marching of Union soldiers outside his window. The rustling of bayonets resting against blue uniforms poured from every drop of blood. The marching band blew grey tones from behind the charcoal clouds. The tuba’s dualistic nature enabled it to serve as a fog horn alerting the passing ships swirling beneath the thunderstorms over the ocean two blocks down on Perry Street. A sudden surge of electricity overcame Robin as Rachel Pierson’s cold hand reached underneath his cotton un...
Version 1
4 Reviews
2 Comments
I'm not a very good person. I know if I made this confession at one of my Narcotics Anonymous meetings (and I've felt like doing that many a time) I would likely be bombarded with bumper sticker affirmations like "a person is only as good as his inner voice tells him he is," or "you are the person who is the sculptor of the new you,'' or "God don't make no junk," and while I believe in some sort of higher power, I'm pretty sure he was taking a smoke break when I was going through the assembly...
Version 2
0 Reviews
0 Comments
Taken from my home, placed aboard a ship, shackled to the hull with four-hundred men, women, and children. Forced to lie in urine while rape and murder surrounded me. When we reached the Caribbean, I was separated from my family. Placed aboard an auction block, while white folks put brands on me and beat me for my trouble. Now I'm picking cotton in the heart of Dixie Land. Six days and nights a week, on the seventh I pray for my master to let me sail away again.
Version 2
1 Review
2 Comments
Population relocation makes the desert bloom. Severe measures knock upon the door, while Turkish swords dig into a mother's womb. Railroad tracks billow devilish smoke beyond deaths floor. Babies tossed from cattle cars like bouncing balls. Typhoid fever injected into virgin veins. Hunger pains rattle behind the intestinal walls. Grown men grasp heaven's gears to claim their sane. A caterpillar of death strewn across the desert sand. The lifeless and bloody climb the mountain's sky, to scream...
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Reviews
Please don't take this personally, but the poem reflects the poet's age. It's a little trite and the rhyme schme is predictibale. The only thing that can cure that is practice and life experience. You do have promise. You just need to keep after it. Good luck.
I think this is a helpful essay. My only complaints are that it could have been a little livelier and less like a group of facts thrown together. I also would have liked you to mention somewhere the importance of writing for yourself first and worry about getting published later. The art should always come before the marketing, in my opinion. Unless, of course, you write romance novels.
It's not bad. It's fairly witty. It kind of reminds me of that Minnesota Viking boat cruise a few years ago. One complaint I have is that you imply in the first paragraph that some of the cocktail waitresses are prostitutes, but you don't go anywhere with it. That's an attention-grabbing introduction, so it would it be good if you elaborated on it more. Also, the narrator seems angry, but not quite angry enough to be compelling. I want to care what he thinks and says, but there's just not eno...
I have mixed feelings about this. I thought it started it really well, lost interest in the middle section, and became a little more intrigued near the end. Actually, many of the things that I thought you did a good job with in the beginning became a problem in the heavy dialog section. I thought the descriptions were good with nice metaphors and not an overabundance of poetic imagery. That began to change during the main character's conversation with the nymphomaniac. It became a little tedi...
This got off to kind of a slow start, but ended up being the funniest non-published work I've ever read. Right from the moment of "space shit," I was in actual stitches. The humor builds throughout the story, too. It reminds me of a classic 50s-style sci fi story, but with more than a few William Burroughs-twists, and a little Catch-22. I'm really impressed. The only recommendation I have is to maybe cut back a little on the intro and add a little more humor to it. Great job!
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