I'd use punctuation, especially when something is this small and it really stands out. State of being without a drug? You're saying you can't write, have no appreciation of art and can't love or aren't loved? Wouldn't the thrill of writing, your love of art, the adoration of others and your empathy for others be as exhilarating as a drug? You're saying the opposite is true.

It's well-written, but certainly nothing within the guidelines for the competition. What does someone watching you dress have to do with your experience as a writer or narrator?

Your first line is one of the best hooks I've seen. 'I spluttered and put my coffee down with a clatter.' Sputtered, not spluttered. Perhaps 'slammed my coffee down' or something similiar opposed to 'coffee down with a clatter'. To me, the way it is now reads awkwardly. The sentence immediately after is pointless detail that contributes nothing to the story. The dialogue is too lengthy, too wordy. All of this serves to destroy the momentum built by your first line. Really, it seems wordy is h...

Poetically written, yes, but ultimately nothing but a beautifully-delivered jumble of ideas loosely connected. The only thing that brings it together at all is the last stanza. You made a good exit. Unfortunately, while you went out with a bang, it was an illusion to hide the fact the rest of the poem is kept together with thin glue and about to break apart any moment. Make your mind up. Either use end line punctuation or don't, but the way you're using sometimes and not others (on majority n...

The flaw of most fantasy manuscripts (and their authors) is that, while imaginative, very few are capable of pulling off the sound, descriptive diction required to make the writing interesting. When you're working, make sure your internal narrator, that voice that reads to you inside your head, doesn't sound like an ass. When describing something, they do so with conviction, not doubt. "They were probably in the middle of Kaevya when they came to the gigantic castle-like building of the Angel...

Trying to take legal action over less than half a dozen immature trolls is more than a bit excessive. This is the internet. It's easy to ignore them and they're to be found on every website.

This is a poor-but-exact copy of Anne Rice's style. Vampires are an overdone genre where originality in writing style and content are must-haves. Worse, you took it a step further and named them Tristan & Isolde. You ripped the names either from the movie or the legend behind it; either or, it's unoriginal. In that short excerpt, the word vampire appears 15 times, often two or three times in the same paragraph. That alone is the sign of cookie-cutter vampire stories, generally of the same qua...

I simply can't hear some of the lines set to music; they lack the self-contained flow of the others. Specifically in stanza # - line # format: 1-3 2-1 2-4 4-3 4-4 Was it mis-submitted as lyrics? It's otherwise a beautiful poem, though end-line punctuation would help guide rather than detract.

The story is hollow, like a scene of something much longer; you hint at but never get to it having a point. Where, exactly, did you add more to the story to make it seem whole? An inordinate amount of detail has been thrown into the descriptions of pointless things, yes, but that does nothing but add more words, not meaningful content. The point you flash at but never unveil seems character based, but the mass of your focus went to setting and physical description, the weakest form of charact...

Despite how plain your writing style is, it kept my attention the entire time. That said, this was a relatively short excerpt and interest may wane with time, as there's nothing to hook it. Your characterization is weak. Actions consist of short, simple sentences and the only hint of Trec's thoughts and personality are through dialogue and seemingly-random—predictable once initiated—meetings with equally-flat characters. She placed her hand on her hip. She poked him in the chest. She gave him...