alw_ays's profile

Since "Skies" and "Eyes" rhyme version one creates a hiccup in the reading flow based on how those rhymes fit. On the other hand, the flow in this one is more consumable. A repair for lines one-two-three could be "...dark night skies strafe your glowing chambered eyes. ..." The second version has a rhyme scheme that is inconstant through the stanzas. xaxa xbxb cdcd (which means lines 1 and 3 of the first two stanzas do not rhyme, but they do in the third.) To fix this you'd need to change wor...

I spent a good two thousand, twenty three hundred words wondering what plenty offish might mean. 10-19 looks to much like 11:48; in the final formatting, I'm sure there's something you can do to keep that from being confusing. Still not sure about what "The Sting" and "Sneakers" means. Did anyone have to go out and buy the stuff to wear? service-issued revolvers (Had to read that sentence three times to understand "service" went with "revolvers") This story is a riot. Totally unexpected.

I started imagining aerodynamic boys and girls. That is an awesome effect.