its fading green hands like insect eyes (is this the boy's hands? you need to say that) Adam and the Ants looking (look) Boy George and the band smiling (smile) sadness a hint in their eye shadow ( a hint of sadness in thier eye shadow) The crying of his mother steeled him (stole him, not steeled-its not a word) I like the story, but it needs a lof of work in clarity. The beginning is a little confusing, but it becomes more clear after the first page. Work on the intro. he would chime in the ...

The leather of her gloves did not hide the warmth she emitted (I like the description)...so far very interesting. His body continued to change from the inside out...this is starting to get more interesting. I like the story and your descriptions make it easy to read. The dialogue is believable. I also find the characters intersting. Not much criticism from me. It is more original then many stories in sci-fi. I like that genre, so I read alot of it.

1st page- i like it. it is clear and i'm able to follow what is happening. also the characers are named early and your descriptions are good. 2pg-instead of 'are your family here' it should read 'IS your family here?' pg 3-ooo, swat. pg4-i can see the events unfolding ... pg5-anticipation is good, keeping me wondering... pg6-briefly (I'd take out this word and just end with the noun or add for a short time). adverbs don't add too much. pg7-stung her ears is a good desript pg 8-good action pg ...

sweeping glance -nice. I enjoy the dialogue. Some of it is good, but I would like to see mroe descriptoins in beteen speaking ...hwat they are doing, what do thier faces look like, that sort of thing. questionable facial hair --funny Bitter they couldn’t pronounce-good detail, realisitc towards the end there is alot of dialgoue and not enough descript in between and so I loose interest. You have astrong narrative voice when you use it, I'd just go back and play with the lines a bit more.

so far interesting, seems original in plot. As Colin talked the girl (comma after talked) When Colin was little his mother (comma after little) the future, that is a nice twist. I would add action or what character do or look like in between diagloue. page six is good with interspersed details mix with diagloue. You need to go back to the previous pages and do the same. Just then there is a beeping sound (take out just then it makes it weaker) pg 8 is good. The deatils remian with doalogue an...

My smile spread even bigger turning around to smile right into your sparkling eyes ( I would say: my lips spread even wider turning around, engaged in your sparkling eyes). I like the story about Alaska, something don't written about much. Conversation leading to conversation in a group (conversation leading to dialgoue in the group)? intermix your dialogue with action rom your characters and thier faces, looks. Spend more time with a thesaurus to not repeat words too much ( I tend to do that...

I like it so far, but I would only say her full name once in the beginning and after that only Rachel. I think the story is interesting, but it needs more for me to get a full feeling on it. I wouldn't say publish it since there is only two pages. Post more up so I can look at it?

got infected (lose the got and just say infected) I’d heard that even their ticks (get rid of that) Your dialgoue is good, sometimes funny. It is an interesting story. I would just look out for little mistakes in grammar. I pointed out two. Don't say that too much and don't use too many ly words. You have a lot of good descriptions. and a lot of good verb usage like :(rhythmic panting ) its interesting to read about dogs, not many writers do that. your characters are really interesting. I lik...

I must say it is one of the best written I have read thus far. The first line draws me in and the following lines are full of description. Even your dialgoue is more realistic than most. her background story is interesting to, it lets me know why she is and who she is ...I like details on pg 10 about her ballerina jewelery box, it lets us know more about her mom too. sorry, I don't have too much to critic, but i liked it, there wasn't much i'd change. emerald lawn looked like a scene out of G...

love the first line, it draws me in to the story. I love the way u number the story, it makes it easy to read and u know what ur getting into with each part. Amidst all the umbrellas- the street looking like a product-endorsed version of the scene from Foreign Correspondent ----good mdescript I like all the details of the names and plces, making it more real, it reads more like true story. Maybe it is true?lol.