anb08's profile

I like how you begin with what seems to be a death scene instead of a description of the scenery; you start out with drama and then go into a very vivid description of the setting. I do have one suggestion from what I've read. I'm sure all the "be"s are part of some sort of dialect, but maybe you should make it more clear so that it doesn't confuse the audience. Overall, this piece caught my interest and kept it. I think it has great potential for being published.

I don't understand the purpose of "old gum." It seems unnecessary. Consider taking out the first "and" in the fourth sentence. Try: "Your female friend looks at you with smudged lipstick and laughs, right before going right back into her romantic moment." Many of your sentences are fragments. "Nevertheless" is all one word.

In the second paragraph, the beginning of a sentence should not begin with a number unless you spell it out. (21% should be Twenty-one percent and the same goes for other similar sentences throughout the document). In the last sentence of paragraph two, there should be a "will" before "occur." The point of view this piece is written in seems to change around the third paragraph; journalists typically don't use first person perspective when writing even an opinion article. Maybe you could say,...