andersda's profile

I understand what you meant when you said chapter 1 was a mess. There is too much yet not enough going on in the chapter to make it work. As a reader, I started drifting when the story lost its focus toward the end. There’s so much back story, that you forget where the story is going. The opening scene of a vastly delayed plane doesn’t mirror reality. People know to cut their losses, reroute or reschedule. and move on. That said, it might be much more interesting to stay with the current open...

This is definately one of the best pieces I've looked at on Urbis. The story, setting, and characters are all outstanding. You definately need an editor to go through this and pick it to pieces before you pass it on to agents and publishers. I have no doubt you'll do well. I went over it fairly carefully. Use what you can and disregard the rest. All the best. Dave playing cards, and realized it was probably a good thing. This runs long you should probably put a period after cards and break ou...

This initial bit is nice in a slow paced character driven story, but it doesn't really grab my attention until A man by the name of John Combs enters the story. I rated this as publishable, I've seen a lot worse in print, but its not as good as it could be. Since this is listed in Novel Treaments I assume it's part of a much larger piece. If that is the case, you might consider begining the story there or with a real mission and providing the backstory as the story progresses. You need real a...