The is a nice quest piece. It flows nicely, and it has legs. There is good character development between Julie and Euie. Not so much with Ben, but, so far, he's a minor player. Of the things you asked about, the nature of the world they live in is least developed. I don't see that as a problem, though, because the chapter accomplishes what you want it to. I have noted inconsistancies and minot issues. on his face and neck from a basin "leaned against the edge" edge is undefined. Edge if what....

This is high evel writing and I enjoyed it immensely - espcially, the last half. I didn't particularly care, though, for Darwin poking his ugly head up in the last sentence. There's no real connection between the prom, Andrew, and this revelation so it doesn't work for an ending. You've got so much in this piece - really wonderful imagery and feeling that the reader is looking for a big finish, but this wasn't it. All the best, Dave Here are minor things I noticed; After awhile(,) Elisa "or a...

This is a very nice premice, and I can easily see a whole series with him and his ghost girl. You've laid a good foundation for this story and it leads nicely into the next chapter. I don't think the opening is working as well as it could for you. You got grampa in the opening but lack a connecting thread with with the skater boy and the ghost girl. It could add some depth. The following are small things I noticed on the read through. All the best. Dave. That night(,) he dreamed that he and D...

This was quite an enjoyable piece. Being a colonist, it took me a while to appreciate the story's meter and word choice. The term Panel beater I enjoyed imensely and is a perfect example. I thought that the very begining was a little disjointed and didn;t quite set this up as well as you might like it to. I wasn't clear on the relationships between the mountains, the city, and wehere she was going. The piece tightens up nicely not too much later and become highly enjoyable. The flirting was q...

Technically, this is nearly flawless, but I'm concerned that there isn't enough in this first chapter to hook the readers interest. Sure you have a nice setting, believable characters, and decent dialog, but, even though you mention it, you never get to the heart of Jake's fear of flying and how it relates to 911 and the girl he still dreams about. I lean back. New para. I didn;t think the poem journal entry added that much to the piece. No real revelations. there can and prefer(s) it honoure...

This is a remarkable stream of consciousness piece. Metaphorically, I don't get Clavin unless he represents the part of us that holds us back. There is a truly sinister element to the relationship that is sead-on. Like "Sound and the Fury" I had to hear this more with my heart than I did with my head. You've done a very nice job. All the best, Dave The dynamic between the girl who had everything and the boy who has nothing is very good. His use of her is fantastic. He'd make a tremendous pimp...

This is a very nice opening chapter. Aside from the relationship, between Danny and Ben it's not clear where the story is going. You might want to lay more of the groundwork for the catalyst that changes their lives. What I see is two personality types meeting in the middle. All the best, Dave bark(,) and mesh bags this one or that one. sat (and) then (to) another on the have a wife as sexy as me, did you?” maybe just a wife like me. Most women wouldn't describe themselves in those terms. The...

You just aint right.

This will lead to interesting circumstances if they eventually find their way home. Each of their faiths will have diverged from a common ancestry and the cultural comparisons can be outstanding. As a 1.1 chapter preceded by a prologue and possibly a Chapter 1.0 this runs long. Jeron didn't carry his own weight and other than mentioning they were lifr-long friends I'd get rid of the comic bits. The whole piece needs to be tightened up a bit and shortened. Here are some minor things I noticed ...