ITEMS (2)
andymo1984's profile
AGE:
24
LOC: Saint Louis, MO
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 20
LOC: Saint Louis, MO
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 20
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Items
Version 1
10 Reviews
7 Comments
she smells like cigarettes and cheap words weaving lies through layers of self confidence (constructed through lies) intoxicated off of a lifetime filled with wasted second chances (and plenty of regrets) and i can't inhale her promises (of security) fast enough why is it the best girls are the ones with the fakest smiles (but there's truth in those hips) lips speak for your actions (but your eyes doe all the real talking) turns out our relationship was lacking on fucking, and heavy on giving...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
27 Reviews
0 Comments
she told me to write about more than just the past shown in the light of the present (without ribbons) i told her boys like me are more comfortable living in the known a time of my life where nothing really makes sense to me except the familiar taste of tears (the sweet taste of regrets) having an affliction for needing to feel needed (but i always end up being used) hiding in cliches and waiting for a sunrise greeted with a smile instead of disapointments smiling hips and lies hidden behind ...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
26 Reviews
0 Comments
i'm growing tired of being exhausted why was there never a fairy tale where the main character never slept give me something to relate to in the world i'm making friends with inanimate objects because i'm self medicating with an overdose of butterflies in my stomach making the worse situations for myself, because i don't want to rememeber what it's like to be happy can't really explain what it's like to be stuck between HELLo and a FUNeral stay with me georgous, because this part is about you...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
26 Reviews
0 Comments
this isn't supposed to make sense to anyone but me. because i doubt you'd be ready to read something like this. cause baby it's always about priorities. decorating your life with cheap memories formed on the words of stories that caused the tears to fall. you've wasted time crying, but not time living. chicken soup for the heart (the soul is full). do you see the pattern that fits the mold of the crime? constantly having more questiosn than answers formed upon lips that speak of cruel intenti...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
28 Reviews
0 Comments
sometimes i get so lost (but never with words) cause baby, i'm just hands on a clock being used by you just to pass the time leaving a trail of breadcrumbs i'll find my way back through this nightmare cliched and flawed, i'm just one in a million my CONfessions don't sound as sincere in between makeshift kisses at the foot of your driveway baby, it's a jungle out there, and i'm just trying to survive on stolen wit and even cheaper charm making lies and compromiseing situations i've got a beli...
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Reviews
This shows the effects of the work that you have put into it, which is certainly nice to see. I like the subject matter that you've discussed, and it gives a great feeling of nostalgia. I also really enjoy the rhythm of the piece, and the way that it flows. Almost like the wave of the story you're describing. I would like to see you try reading this outloud, that way you are able to see how it sounds when spoken, and maybe change a few of the words. I would suggest that you might ease up on t...
I really wanted to like this a lot. I thought the beginning, where the waiting room scene is described, was the best part, and I was hoping that the story and the humor would grow from there. However, the story seemed to "putter" out, and left the reader feeling indifferent. Instead of the beginning of a story, it felt like more of a second of time. As I said before, I really enjoyed the parts at the beginning, where the waiting room scene was described, and I thought the inner dialogue was w...
my favorite line is the line that begins with "war". It's pretty intense, and I think that in order to make sure this is something that could be published, you would need to make sure to fine an audience for this, and as extreme as it is, that might be a bit tough. I would also suggest that it possibly is lengthened, for dramatic effect. But I do love the strength in these words, and the intensity that this poem bring out. It's a good start, and I'm excited to see how it turns out.
I love the innocence of the character, combined in such a terrible time and place. That is why I'm so glad that I got to read this piece. I loved the inner dialogue, and the way that it moved the story along. I would like to see however, some of the more darker elements of the history of that time. My only suggestion would then be rework the bit of the story, to include the darker elements. But overall, this is a very strong first attempt.
i enjoyed this piece, and i'm glad that i got to read it. however, i felt that it is a bit "wordy". It seems to rely on the use of lots of words that made it seem to be deeper than it actually way. I'm also concerned about the rhythm of the piece, as it seems to not have a lot of rhythm. The positives, were the story elements of the poem, as well as the flow of the overall poem. It's a pretty good start.
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