angelique_07's profile
AGE:
26
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 03
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 03
In this broad earth of ours, Amid the measureless grossness and the slag, Enclosed and safe within its central heart, Nestles the seed of perfection.
Walt Whitman
Items
Version 10
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Black clouds slide across the sky like long slender fingers, greedily grabbing stars in large heavy handfuls. “The moon looks cracked,” he says, as he exhales smokey black fingers with every word, greedily grabbing her in large heavy handfuls. “No, we can’t,” her voice cracks, sliding out from his grasp, drifting further apart on wind pushing slender black fingers, stealing stars in large heavy handfuls. “Why not?” he asks, taking another drag from long slender fingers, waiting for answers a...
Version 4
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Its presence sensed, lingering like patchouli incense burned to mask the gagging stench, the unnatural chemical synthesis, not covering but creating a new staleness. Not strong enough to smother the scent of decay, steeped in every bed frame, every pillow, every sham, stained with traces of her tears left by black mascara tracks. Mourning lost innocence, lost years, a new found fear of loneliness. Buried and screaming in a tomb they renovated, she breaks down, crumbles, decomposes in the holl...
Version 5
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Why do I only know myself in the midnight hours when night has sleeped everything in dream and only I am awake to face your clear familiar face? A reflection of myself I see in your translucent eggshell smile, full-faced, nestling in a bed of blackness. Through darkness your knowing glow, a beacon, finds me searching and gleams until I of lunar mind can see more clearly. Why in this light do I feel more whole than the husk of bones daylight holds, a cracking veneer under sweltering heat revea...
Version 2
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“The Last Tattoo” The last tattoo rolls out along the limestone wall where men, brave and many, fell at the dawn of arms. Age sunken roads ring and tremble as the rattatap tapping taps and bagpipes bellow and blow the cry of the dead sung among the highland moors. Fallen soldiers, sainted dead, fife and horn sound your glory infinite.
Version 7
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Night sky imbued with hues of burgundy and maroon; blunt orange streetlights, like knives, slash the midnight, rip the bloody sky, rend its belly wide open so the blue juts out- the intestinal overhang of celestial mutilation, and I find myself reeling back inside to escape the gruesome scene wondering how anyone can sleep under such a bloody violent sky!
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Reviews
Wow. That was a really beautiful piece. Reminds me of Appalachian summers. A very powerful and profound poem you have here. Well done!
I like it quite a bit but I wish the ending would tie back into the beginning even more so. Perhaps something like: "I have seen them all and yet, Quietly I`m drawn along the sea outside my door." ("Deep blue sea" also sounds a bit too cliche for this poem)
I think the last line detracts from the poem- the final two lines in the second stanza are so powerful it would be a shame not to end it there. A lovely poem overall.
"Mariana Bronston sighed as she pulled out her cell phone. Her and Ben hardly ever had fights. They did fight, but the fights they had weren’t epic, and they were rare." First, the second and third sentences seem awkwardly pieced together. You might be better off combining the second and third, something like, "She and Ben hardly ever fought and on the rare occasion when they would, the fights never seemed to reach such epic proportions as this." However, is this really epic? Would Mariana me...
"The pretend thugs that we put out would talk so much I couldn’t tell if they are criminals or talk show host - 'The pretend' sounds awkward together. There are also a few grammatical errors ("are" is the wrong tense and "host" should be plural). It might be better if you cleaned this up and shortened it a bit, something like "Pretend thugs we put out spoke so much, I couldn't tell if they were criminals or talk show hosts." "It was the quiet ones that scared me." The second "that scared me" ...
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