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ante's profile
AGE:
36
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 04
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 04
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Items
Version 1
3 Reviews
2 Comments
You’ve got to have faith, pray that the lord will hear your cries, give thanks, and rejoice in his name, he helps the faithful. He will show his hand and bring me from despair.” She recollects before she kneels, in front a single white candle on a naked bed side table, save, A white doily beneath the holder of the candle. Flickering illumination; her shadow falls against the wall behind the candle. She is a silhouette. The flame whispers to the breat...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
Eagles flew in the grey sky Silhouetted against the dull haze of an overcast day Like massive hand puppets. They soared and they cut ripping through the air, like sharp shears through a length of material. Pins A storm of pins Began to fall from their talons Drifting down A consistent hum from the little metal objects Clattering around me, raining down On top of me I looked up Into a glittering Silver storm, with no thought to shield my eyes Shiny needles coated my body I was numb &nda...
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Reviews
This piece is well constructed and has a rhythm and flow that is easy to follow and well paced. The problem with the piece is that it's not really engaging. At the moment you've given us this character, Tula, who seems like a bit of a nut. At the moment i have no sympathy for her mostly because you haven't really set her up as anything other than a girl who's lost a boyfriend and has gone a bit mental, bashing a picture of him taped to a punch bag, and then saying she's about to start anew bu...
I think its a more optimistic piece than you give yourself credit for. At the end you say that though the child is but an empty shell, a fragile life, you also say that it is a star and that its twinkle will be permanently with you. So in reading it that way i feel that you give this child a sort of permanence, as the memory of a child that looked asleep stays with you, you are giving the child's life some permanence, because after we all die, don't we just want to be remembered by others?
I've recently written a few songs myself, and so have looked at other classic songs to see if there is a formula or what makes a great song. I think a great song is the combination of lyrics and the instrumentation(obviously), but the thing is there are so many classic songs that, if dissected lyrically, mean absolutely nothing and have no meaning whatsoever. That said, it makes it hard to critique a song solely by reading the lyrics. Though your lyrics seem decent enough its hard to say what...
Not sure if this is finnished, there is some nice imagery like the dog waiting as you come out the cave holding a rag. However; deatahs smell holding you like an orphan: this seems like the metaphor is unfinished, or mixed. Or the third verse "but then you remember and it stops you" stops you from what; what were you doing when it stopped you. Also the tenses are mixed up as well: Your grave clothes are set over a stone, but then you walked into brilliant light... Wpould like to know what hap...
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