apb148's profile

I can see this as a comment about life, creative or otherwise. The only thing I would change is "They" It's just like all those quotes, "They say..." It leaves too many people asking who they are. You can give personality to your comment if "They" has a name. Even something as simple as "Life". I think it would move it from the realm of cliche to being effective.

I don't know if you meant this to be a treatment, or an actual draft, of the second chapter. The length and detail suggest a draft. I like how you use two popular subjects for this; the internet, and the global financial situation. These two topics alone will get people interested, especially the future of both. I like how you set Bailey up to go on a quest for answers, and a friend to help him. It looks like they're heading into hidden dangers, in a possible government coverup. Of course, th...

Nice job using a double haiku. your seasonal words; violet, winter, blooms, seem to tell of the returning spring. I seem to sense, from your words, a spirit of persistence; "Rooted to the spot", "resilient spirit" Both haikus work together, but can also be separate. I see no technical problems, and you have done a fantastic job.

I think this sounds like a good beginning to a story about vanity. You have done a fine job describing her beauty, and her reaction to what she believes are imperfections. I only have two comments involving one sentence. "She studies her smooth complexion and the light in her beautiful eyes fades and they darken almost unnoticeably, but still enough to make my heart lurch painfully against my ribs." After "She studies her smooth complexion" you should put a comma, it will help to separate wha...

When I first read through it I thought "newgrounds has been approved" should have read "new grounds have been approved". Then I realized that "newgrounds" was a title. As a title, it should be capitalized, and it should be in quotes to identify and separate it from the rest of the text. The beginning of the second paragraph, which reads "Newgrounds' Tom Fulp", might sound better as: Tom Fulp, of "Newgrounds". I think when you use an apostrophe at the end of a non-plural word, that ends in "S"...