aphroditemine's profile
AGE:
23
LOC: Cape Girardeau, MO
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 17
LOC: Cape Girardeau, MO
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 17
university student, fourth year. going to grad school to teach and learn. writer, reader, procrastinator. editor for the campus paper and president of the campus literary magazine.
Items
Version 1
5 Reviews
1 Comment
you aren't exactly lens-worthy, Patty Pennington, soft f-stops down hallways and grey drops of developing fluid caught like curlicues of your film canister hair nights alone, days alone seeking contrast, depth of field, rules of thirds but Patty, with your ancient finger on the release ready to capture something, anything your life has become light fog
Version 1
5 Reviews
3 Comments
Covering my hands with my ears so that your words come out syllables instead and the ambient noise is no longer and I’m in space aboard your mom and I can’t hear you no matter how loud you hell then my toes curl and my nose bleeds and tomorrow never cries because the world is ending faster than we can say uncle but the sound is flashing out and in in rapid concussion and mouths are moving crying out for more food more Jesus more free checking but the phone just won’t pick up and when it goes ...
Version 1
5 Reviews
4 Comments
Her clothes spread wide; And, mermaid-like, awhile they bore her up: Hamlet, Act 4, Scene 7; William Shakespeare My Ophelia doesn’t drown; no water dares to swallow fire Like oil, it drips off her, coating and then falling free She doesn’t taste wet by the time my lips find her Smoke, fire; yes. But nothing to douse it with, nothing to put her out It flicks from her fingertips and like a shiny sea-creature she dives in Breathing, finally in her natural environment, her lungs fill The oranges,...
Version 1
4 Reviews
2 Comments
The girl reaches out and touches a ghost lonely there within the icy fog and she is stuck behind the wheel where her hands are stuck in a wave, fingers cold as the dead in the midst of the night And it swallows the car quickly, night moving in around the myriad ghosts that call out with their voices, dead and blend into the thick, white fog So she tightens her tiny fingers around the steering wheel to turn the stubborn wheel in the glassy, ice-filled night Finding feeling again in her fingers...
Version 1
4 Reviews
1 Comment
Softer, smaller, less coarse, less worldly, painted, pale Clapping only slightly off tempo, clutching too-small hips Skirts and smiles flashing like the tigers of my youth The question sinking in my chest: When did this become my sister? Ponytail swinging: “I’m so glad you came.”
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Reviews
I really love the quiet repose of this piece. Its almost deceptively simple. The first line could use a comma after Softly. Maybe a better descriptive word than touches. Brushes, perhaps? I like the suggestive nature of the word couples, because she is essentially not coupling, and if I'm not mistaken, that's the focus of this poem. I'm a bit confused by the soulward sleeping, though I like the phrase.
I would consider leaving off the last stanza, or changing it. It seems to wrap things up too neatly, and the literal tie-in of hitchhiking is almost disappointing. This poem works better when the physical setting/actions are left to the imagination.
One thing to note, since you asked for criteria on it, is that in poetry you generally don't get agents. I say generally because maybe higher up poets who regularly publish books have them, but not those starting out, not like in fiction. Also, I'd consider adjusting the caps, as you did with G. "No Longer" could be its own stanza. EXCELLENT poem. The language use is really stunning.
I'm one of the editors for my campus newspaper, so hopefully that will help in my opinions. In the opening paragraph your voice is too familiar with the audience. Unless you're doing an Op-ed piece (and rarely even then) you shouldn't use the word 'you'. Also, there are some typos. I suggest a close reading over your content. The sentence stating what you mean to accomplish is unnecessary. This beginning should be replaced with an engaging hook - maybe a story/example of your topic. This woul...
100.0% Review Quality (3 Votes)
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