apple_scruff1964's profile
AGE:
23
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 04
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 04
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Items
Version 1
4 Reviews
3 Comments
I. its lily tide washes this strand of sorrows, lulled to quiet by solitude the spray whispers secrets at my window, as shades of mind wrestle together in the drapes, for common property, spread carelessly for all like a feast for gulls watch them pick the bones clean, as Time's white skull breaks in hollow grin but my thoughts alone are mine II. like a starved child, ashen and ragged and sore, I sense the wandering pangs of the ravenous night as it slinks, slavering, amongst the dying embers...
Version 1
11 Reviews
1 Comment
This room cannot be. Flapping like a great dark bird, the fanblades spin the old, dusty tale of uselessness, and their very shadows protest, groaning as they turn, knowing the space they fill does not exist. I sit alone at a cracked table, mourning the heat and the candied culture of this one-shot town. Beneath the dim window, I indulge an uncertain dream of rain. The canned music unrolls in this anti-cafe, over the trudge of the waitress and a tepid coffee-splash, over the tap of bluebottles...
Version 1
14 Reviews
5 Comments
There is time for stories and thoughts, for nightly conversations, stretching achingly toward the unasked questions that hover between us, fueling the visions of our souls; and there will be time to let words slip by like prayerbeads of the faithful, strung along our laughs and whispers, our silences and sighs, as we feel without fear, without thought of tomorrow, and without worry beyond the next breath we will travel the rails, and discover where parallel loves converge, just beyond the hor...
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Reviews
I really enjoyed this poem. It hit home for me because I tend to be a pack-rat, collecting little things in my pockets throughout the day without really needing them, but never thinking about why. This is an interesting exploration of that, especially with the question that begins the poem. The only thing that puzzled me was the very last line: "Detach myself from the sublime". I don't understand what you are referring to here when you speak of the sublime. It just throws me off a bit because...
I loved it! It had rhythm, it was fun to read, and I had to read it out loud just to enjoy the sounds of the words. Not only that, but it is so true for someone learning to speak another language. The only thing I can say for constructive criticism is that it doesn't seem long enough, rather like you didn't finish. This could be because you didn't use punctuation for the most part, but it throws the reader off when you suddenly use an exclamation point. :) All in all, I love it, keep writing,...
Not bad, and you had a good message: to treat our mothers as well as they've treated us. I wish more people would remember that. As far as grammar and presentation go, I think this poem needs a lot of work before it's publishable. Your word choice could be a bit more diverse: for example, you use "ailments" twice. Also watch your punctuation, and avoid vague statements like, "... our imagination can come up with a lot of things." Some well-placed metaphors would definitely help. The repetitiv...
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